Layoffs, backstabbing and anxiety - my career in journalism.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath
Of this love that we've been workin' on

It can't be summarized any less ruthlessly than this: Bay Area journalism sucks.

I'm not talking about the content and coverage itself, although my elderly neighbors sometimes hold that opinion. I'm talking about the soul, the spirit and the fire that has traditionally made our contribution so vital and special to our community. I'm talking about the very reason I decided to become a journalist, about the idealistic, beautiful things I envisioned for my future. All of that is gone.

I've attended and completely zoned out of all the stupid advertising and revenue meetings. I've sat in my uncomfortable pantsuit in a crowded business park classroom while our VP of Interactive Operations clicked through PowerPoint presentations spelling our certain doom. I turned my brain off because I didn't need to run the math in my head to determine that we weren't even "in the black" anymore. That was three months ago.

The buyouts came first, and then the layoffs last week. We lost 40 unwilling employees in this last round, veteran reporters forced into early retirement, parents supporting families, young journalists who had just BEGUN their careers and who showed more promise than most eggheads sitting in expensive fellowships at top Ivy Leagues. They were all journalists tempered by grit and pragmatism, and they loved their jobs. I felt sick and couldn't come to the newsroom for over a week because I was horrified that I'd start crying just WATCHING them leave. One of the laid off editors was my mentor Lucinda Ryan, a woman who has supported and loved me like a daughter from the day we were both moved into the Online department of the Oakland Tribune.

I can't stand being part of the industry anymore, now that it has truly become just that - an industry. After MediaNews bought our papers, we lost all the heart and passion of our publications with each employee cut. In J-school they talked theoretically of the the demise of print journalism, but they never mentioned the reality of the human faces behind that loss. Even Dino-Ray Ramos, one of the most popular and view-garnering columnists in our region, had to clean his desk today and leave. I couldn't be more heartbroken, and I couldn't be more outraged.

I'm leaving because I'm done. I'm not going throw my fist in the air and claim I'm not working for "The Man" anymore, because I'm planning to work for the government. But I'm going to make a difference in people's lives, and I'm not going to do that every day worrying about advertising and circulation. Journalism has never felt so dirty and cheap, and I'm too tired to keep fighting. If Brian and I move eventually and I find a news region that I feel more comfortable with, I will certainly consider producing and writing again. In the meantime, wish me luck as I venture outside the only career I've ever known.