Laumanamea.

Fiona Lily - Month 6

2012-01-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

Princess Fiona,

How did I get so lucky?

I wonder that question every day when I wake up to your huge toothless grin and shining, gleeful eyes. Your dad playfully groans when your laughter and wiggles rouse us each morning, and he always starts the day by saying, "Baby girl, you are a morning person."

Your love for waking up early is one of the few traits you've inherited from me so far. In terms of appearance, you are a miniature version of your father. That creamy ivory skin, those curled long eyelashes, those huge cheeks framing that mischievously oversized smile - you are a beauty.

At your six month appointment with Dr. Nuby, we found out that you are in the 90th percentile for height at 27 inches long. You weighed 16 pounds, putting you in the 50th percentile for weight. Those stats are pretty impressive, given that my milk was all you had eaten until recently.

You really hated solids when we first gave them to you on November 30. You spit those pureed sweet potatoes out so fast that they mostly ended up on your bib. You cried, flailed, and fought for a few weeks, until you decided to start liking split peas. From that point on, you loved everything you tried. So far you have eaten carrots, bananas, sweet potatoes, peas, pears, celery, and apples.

Nursing you is my own little heaven. No matter how fussy or upset you are, the moment you snuggle up to me and start feeding, all of my stress melts into a perfect sense of fulfillment. Nothing has ever felt so rewarding or right. I would stroke your temples and sing you to sleep forever if I could, but I know that this stage of your life will soon pass. I now understand why so many moms have trouble letting go of their babies. Weaning you (when you're ready) will be hard on my heart, but I know that it will be soothed with the joy of seeing you toddle and speak.

Speaking of speaking, you started saying "mama" right around your birthday. Now you're all about "dada," and you even reach your arms up to him when you say it. Coincidence or not, it was the best Christmas morning gift ever for me to see his face light up when you said his name. In the spirit of the holidays, you also chose Thanksgiving as the day to start sitting up independently. I love pushing you around in the shopping cart seat, because you babble at strangers and inevitably invite the attention of adoring adults. You are inexplicably terrified of elderly gentlemen, so we're working on that :)

Lucky for you, the past few months have brought lots of family time with your grandparents and even your great grandmother. In November we spent a week in Oregon with your Mimi Sandy, Pappap Pat, Uncle Michael and Nana Trapp. It was so nice to immerse ourselves in family time, and enjoy the quiet tranquility of their home. You loved being passed from lap to lap, and were happy to bounce and giggle for each person who held you. For Christmas, your Mama Gina and Papa Jimmy visited Texas to spend time with you and ring in the new year. You spent the entire week laughing up a storm, and they were so happy to cuddle you.

Your pediatrician called you feisty the other day, and that couldn't be truer. When you cut a tooth on New Year's Eve, you promptly used it to bite my arm and leave a little dent in my skin. When you make eye contact with strangers, you flirt mercilessly. You cry crocodile tears until your dad picks you up, and when he does, you give me a knowing look that makes me laugh every time. Sweet princess, you have that man wrapped around your tiny finger.

I realize now, after seeing your personality evolve these past six months, that I was meant to be your mommy. It was written in the stars, long before you or I existed. Your every quirk and personality trait is absolute perfection to me, and if I could while away the hours just kissing each of your toes, I would do that forever. Thank you for being my sunshine, my heartbeat, and my soul.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone

Love, Mommy.

Hummingbirds

2011-11-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

During my pregnancy, I saw hummingbirds everywhere. They appeared so frequently that I began to think of them as symbolic and meaningful to my unborn daughter. I told Brian that I wanted to fill Fiona's nursery with hummingbirds, and he loved the idea. Family and friends found out, and soon we had amassed a collection of hummingbird baby accessories and clothes.

One night, my dear friend Ashleigh was up painting and drinking bubbly in Hawai'i. (She's kinda fabulous like that.) I told her I'd like to commission a piece of her art for Fiona's room, and no sooner had I written it than Ash had begun. As an aside, one day I'd like to bring Fiona to the island so she can meet her fabulous aunt Ashleigh. She runs marathons, we drink wine together in random places (so far, in Napa, Utah and Oahu), and she balances grad school with a full time bossy pants job. I have loved that girl since high school, and I don't intend to stop any time soon :)

A week or so later, we received a package from Oahu containing Ash's signature mermaid greeting card, a CD, and her beautiful art piece. The instructions suggested that we play a particular track on the CD while unwrapping the box, so we popped it in and listened as this incredible song filled the room. It is called "Hummingbird" by BB King and John Mayer.

The art piece was created on a perfectly distressed wood fragment, broken at the edges in a way that made me think she found it somewhere on the beach or in an old scrap heap. The shading and gradation of color in the background is impossible to capture in photos, but it is astounding. Small bits of the lyrics to "Hummingbird" are scattered throughout the piece, and my favorite section is "she's little and she loves me." The hummingbird itself is what really teared me up when I saw it, because it's the most perfect rendering of the tiny creature that I've ever seen. Considering that Ash had never drawn a hummingbird before, one can only conclude that she's a brilliant artist.

Since the instructions also requested that we dance Fiona around while opening her gift, we happily obliged.

Ashleigh, thank you so much for your love, friendship, and talent. We can't wait to bring Baby Fi to visit you <3

Fiona Lily, Month 3

2011-10-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

I sometimes joke that Fiona wasn't really "with us" until her second month of life. As in, the lights were on but no one was home. For a long two months, she seemed to have little sense of awareness or comprehension. She had personality, but the extent of her interaction was to occasionally hold eye contact with an expression on her face that said, "Oh hey, you're here."

Suddenly, month three rolled around and we were hit by an avalanche of milestones. She transformed from a tiny incoherent blob to a chubby giggling baby overnight. She began holding her head up consistently, which turned into rolling over, which led to grabbing toys, which became laughing at everything, which caused us to realize that she was indeed chewing on things, and that it was time to start introducing solids. Of course, those beautiful moments were interspersed among many dark days.

We woke up to the horrible sight of her head covered in deep scratch wounds, twice. I've spent over a month surviving on no sleep at night, because I have to nurse her and hold her arms down through her painful itching spells. She cries so constantly throughout the day that I've forgotten what the peace of silence feels like. She lost about 90% of her wonderful dark hair, and it hurts my heart every time the rash creeps up her face again. Still, that sweet girl always seems to maintain a happy spirit.

It is so nice to be the mother of a truly sentient creature now. She has the cutest unique personality, one seemingly independent of Brian and I. She flirts with strangers, has the girliest voice I've ever heard, and reduces me to a puddle of adoring goo every time she giggles. I know that children change as they grow, so I'm trying to enjoy this "princess" stage as long as possible. If she's anything like me, she'll be a tomboy by age 5 :)

Since so much of her little life is filled with discomfort and pain, we try to make her laugh as much as possible. She bursts into that incredible toothless grin every time we stand her up, and she wants to be vertical ALL the time. She's enthralled with Jubilee, who wants nothing to do with her, and she doesn't seem to sense Bruno at all. We call him the "brown blur" because he moves so fast, she probably doesn't see him. She chomps on anything that comes within inches of her face, from clean fingers to her own wrist. Peekaboo is the easiest way to make her laugh, and her toes are a source of endless entertainment.

I am fortunate enough to own an iPhone, and I think it might be God's gift to moms. (Steve Jobs, you will be missed for your innovation, leadership, and the devices you created to help stave off intelligence atrophy). I spend almost all day using my phone to read news articles and catch up on blogs, but its other great use is capturing all of Fiona's little victories. Below is a collection of videos documenting her very busy third month.

First Giggles:

First Taste of Rice Cereal:

First Roll Over:

First Peekaboo:

Minnie Bear

2011-10-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today we received the sweetest gift in the mail from Fiona's cousin Genevieve. The package contained Minnie Bear, a beautiful custom Build-A-Bear made by Genie in Downtown Disney during her visit there last month. Minnie Bear has a hat that lights up pink, and she plays a recording of Genevieve singing "You Are My Sunshine" to Fiona. Genevieve told her mom that she wants to bring Fiona to Disneyland, and that she misses her very much. Needless to say, there were tears from this proud auntie. What a wonderful cousin. I love to think of the two of them growing up together, with Genie teaching Fiona important girlie skills and Fiona calling Genie up for advice on boys. With Genie having a military mommy and daddy and us moving around for Brian's job, that bonding might have to happen over Skype, but we'll definitely make it work <3

{Genie holding newborn Fiona}

{Picking the perfect bear}

{Check out her cute purse!}

{Genevieve dressing Minnie Bear in Disneyland}

{Minnie Bear's arrival in Texas}

Eczema

2011-09-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

This is how it all began:

The week we moved to Texas, Fiona developed what Southerners call "prickly heat," a bumpy red rash that appears in response to the summer heat. By her fourth week of life, her cheeks had morphed into the weeping, crusted, infected skin pictured above.

I rushed her to a pediatrician, and he explained that she has atopic dermatitis (eczema) and that it is very common. At the time, it was only present on her cheeks. He prescribed Desonide (a low potency cortisone cream) and gave us instructions for how to manage the problem.

Two months later I feel as if I've lost an uphill battle. She is now covered head to toe, front to back in that same horrible rash. She spends every day, literally 24/7, wearing mittens to prevent her from clawing her scalp off or gouging her eyes out. If I put her down for even a second, I find her doing this:

We have tried everything to avoid using the prescribed steroid cream, but it is the only temporary fix available. An entire drawer in her dresser is overflowing with the lotions, moisturizers and creams we've used - well over $200 worth of useless remedies. Aquaphor, CeraVe, Eucerin, calendula cream, almost nothing has worked. I have modified my diet to cut back on known trigger foods, and I almost lost my milk supply in the process. (Sidenote: I almost have to consume 3,000 calories a day to not feel starved all the time. Breastfeeding is draining!) I have a pretty strenuous routine: bathing her frequently, laundering all clothes in All Free & Clear, scrubbing down the furniture, vacuuming constantly, covering her in lotion head to toe 5 times a day, and much more.

The discipline required to maintain her skin is starting to take its toll on us. We take turns at night staying awake to hold her hands down, because it is far too hot to swaddle her and risk her overheating and flaring up again. She doesn't sleep deeply because of her itching, which is frustrating since she has been a good sleeper all of her short life. I can't put her down without her screaming and clawing at her face, and Benadryl doesn't put a dent in either her alertness or her itch at night.

The scariest part of this process has been the evolution of the rash. What began as a cosmetic but ultimately inane concern has morphed into a legitimate health problem. Every time we spot a flare up and respond with Desonide, the rash moves to a new place on her skin, taunting us like a game of Whack-A-Mole.

Since I have not attempted a *formal* (meaning structured) elimination diet yet, I am starting one next week, using a plan that avoids all of the known eczema flare up triggers like dairy, peanuts and soy. I'm guessing I will get very bored by my food options, but I've gone without eating food for 10 days so I guess I can do anything ;) If I complete the diet and Fiona's skin hasn't improved, we will be able to rule out a food allergy as the cause of her troubles. Unfortunately, it could mean that she has an environmental allergy, which means we will have to face the idea that she is allergic to our pups :( Please pray it isn't that.

Musings from a feminist turned housewife

2011-09-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated by the minutiae of motherhood.

Anyone who knew me during undergrad would be surprised to see my newfound interest. I minored in Women's Studies at a notoriously liberal university, so one would assume that I'm a man-hating feminist. Not so. I have and always will interpret feminism as a woman's right to select her own ideas of empowerment. To me, the highest form of gender equality is self determination.

With that said, I'm interested in the specifics of parenting - the shifting priorities and schedules, the behavior modification methods, the developmental milestones and the biggest overarching question of them all: "How do you not screw the kids up?"

Since I'm still living at the mercy of a 3-month-old's nap schedule, I don't have the opportunity to exercise any of the lessons I've learned from reading uber-organized mom bloggers like Blue-Eyed Bride, Honey We're Home, and According to Nina. I'm not even sure that I would *want* to live in such a structured way, but I think it's a healthy goal to aspire to since it helps relieve the stress of responding to the chaos and unpredictability of raising children.

I have never been an organized person, and in my worst days (ahem, undergrad) I was carelessly sloppy. Moving in with Brian five years ago was a hard adjustment because his sense of home organization was far more mature than mine. He liked to keep the apartment "just so" (a place for everything and everything in its place) and I was stubbornly messy. It took a LOT of arguments about chore delegation to settle on a middle ground.

...and then I was laid off from my job of 3 years. My independence and sense of purpose was completely demolished, and I spent a long part of my two year unemployment moping around and resisting my responsibilities. I knew in my heart that it was only FAIR for me to pick up all of the household duties, but a nagging part of my brain held on to the idea that I was somehow above taking over all the chores.

Now that I'm a mom, I've given into and embraced my role in our family. This is not about me asserting myself as a driven, career-minded woman anymore, it's about raising a healthy child. I'll get back to my work life as soon as our family settles down in one place, but in the meantime I've got a few years to enjoy watching this miraculous little creature grow up. That luxury, being here with her all the time, is a privilege and it's not one that I take lightly.

With that said, I'm open to accepting any and all home and family organization tips. I'm pretty good at filtering out the things that I know I absolutely wouldn't do and incorporating the things that I could see working for my family. I'm surprised by how much of the parenting world is judgmental, divisive and controversial, but I like seeing different perspectives.

My current struggle is trying to blend the different parenting philosophies I've learned. We're almost smack dab in the middle between traditional, old school parenting and new school attachment parenting. Since so many of the methods contradict each other, I find myself facing a new, tiny battle each day as Fiona grows and develops new quirks. While I want her to be independent and able to go to sleep without me rocking her incessantly for an hour, I also don't want her to feel abandonment. Although I'd love to cuddle her all day, I want to start feeling like a human being again instead of a security blanket, human pacifier and mode of transportation.

My singular, biggest fear as a parent currently is letting these moments slip by too quickly. I never suffered from postpartum depression, but I was hit with a strange bout of anxiety about Fiona growing up too fast. I remember one late night in her first week, sitting and staring at her without blinking, praying that she could stay that tiny and perfect forever. How totally neurotic does that sound? I've gotten over that craziness, because I adore seeing each of her new milestones. Today she laughed for the first time and I cried because I was so proud.

As I've transitioned from career woman to stay at home mom, I've learned that the only thing I can focus on is flexibility. All of the parenting books, life planners, regimented schedules and meticulously planned meal plans in the world cannot account for the random curve balls that life throws. Since my family in particular happens to attract those damn curve balls, I'd better keep workin' on my flexibility :)

A recap series intro, and an answer to "Why are the Trapps in Texas?"

2011-09-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

I realize that my lack of posting leaves quite a few questions lingering for the two of you readers left around here ;) For example, wasn't the wedding a year ago? And what about the bridal shower, bachelorette party and honeymoon? How did the pregnancy go? The baby shower was tea party themed, right? And weren't we in three different weddings in less than two months, spanning three different states? Didn't I promise to write Fiona's birth story soon? Yes, that's all true. And I need to write about all of those events.

...but can I just post a picture of my sweet baby instead? No?

I'm kidding of course. This blog is my family's record of our memories and milestones, and I know that I need to write these things for posterity's sake, even if I'm doing it a year too late. I may have to do generalized recaps instead of the detailed stories I wanted to tell, but life with an infant demands flexibility.

Let's get started in a random place, just to get the ball rolling. The most commonly asked question from friends and family is "What the heck are you guys doing in Texas?"

The answer is simple; we followed a job. Brian transitioned out of the active duty ranks of the Coast Guard, and we both spent the months leading up to Fiona's birth in a frantic hunt for work. At the time, I was spending my third trimester working my first government job for a fabulous boss, a former classmate of mine from grad school. Brian used a head hunter, who sent him to interviews in every random industry you could imagine.

One of those interviews led Brian to an interview in a suburb north of Dallas, with a company called Georgia-Pacific. A regional manager in the company's corrugated division wanted to start a leadership development program for young former military officers, since he himself graduated from Westpoint. Brian was selected in April, started in May, and signed the lease on our new rental home in June.

Needles to say, it was a whirlwind. We flew to Texas when Fiona was exactly two weeks old, and our house was still filled with unpacked boxes. We spent a brutal summer cooped up in the house to shield Fiona's poor sensitive skin from the 100+ degree heat, which lasted for over 40 days. I went from enjoying a professional work environment to being a full-time stay at home mom, and the transition was not easy. Brian works anywhere between 10-14 hours a day, and I spend a lot of time alone with Fiona. It has been HARD.

I joined a mom's group on Meetup.com, but the group only meets in the mornings. Since Brian's hours vary between noon - midnight, it doesn't seem fair to take Fiona away from him during the few hours he's actually home. While we've met some wonderful people here, our schedule simply doesn't work to accommodate a social life for me outside of the home.

On a lighter note, this is all temporary. Brian's program has him rotating into a new production facility each year for three years, so in 2012 and 2013 we will be living in new locations anyway. Our hope is to be in Nashville and Buffalo for the next two assignments, but it will all depend on the jobs available - much like the military.

I will be back with a separate post about my first impressions of Texas, including my first experience at a megachurch and the depressing monolith that is suburban sprawl, but that will have to wait for another night. Au revoir, darling friends.

The late night feeding pas de deux

2011-07-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

Since Brian works very long work shifts, I try to shoulder as much of the burden of late night feedings as I can. Fiona is great at sleeping through the night, but when she has to wake up two sleep-deprived adults, it takes a bit more volume than her usual mellow chirp. A typical 3 a.m. wake up looks like this:

Fiona begins to stir, first with a loud exaggerated sigh. I always hear it but choose to fall back asleep, as if I can hit the snooze button on my responsibility to get up. Her noise making efforts crescendo to a plaintive wail, at which point my husband rolls over and with a mighty groan, asks, "Do you want me to get up and take care of her?"

I roll out of bed into a haphazard crouch, as if I am readying for a sleepwalker marathon. Several seconds will pass before my body jolts awake and I realize that I have fallen asleep while standing up. At this point, Fiona is one peg below hysterical, and I lurch myself across the 4 feet between my bed and her bassinet.

I stagger through the darkness with my hands waving in front of me, fumbling for a solid object to orient my direction. First comes the bedpost, then the wall, then the crib. Fiona acts as my sonar, sending waves of noise as I try to pinpoint her location. All the while, I am cursing like a drunk sailor and reminding myself that in a few months, I will not be allowed to cuss in front of her. This angers me further, because I hate myself for having such a bad habit. My delirious self-loathing reaches new heights as I wonder if she's already retaining my horrible vocabulary. I briefly wonder if her first words will be expletives.

I scoop her up carefully, but am always off balance because my body doesn't anticipate the 11-pound shift in my center of gravity. There is an initial moment of freefall, and I frantically pull back to prevent us both from tumbling into her bassinet. Fiona is usually flailing, which makes this ridiculous dance even more confusing. Eventually, I am able to haul her up to my shoulder in the familiar "sack of potatoes" carry position that usually quiets her for a few moments.

We reverse my steps and stumble back into bed, where I fling her burp cloth on the mattress, place her head on the center of it, and clumsily position myself so that her nose is in line with my boob. The lying down breastfeeding position has become my favorite, because it allows me to nap while Fiona nurses. Since I can feel her latched on to me, my body naturally wakes up when she stops eating. In the meantime, I am able to drop into a semi-conscious bliss, reveling in those delicious "bonding hormones" that make me all moon-eyed whenever I look at Fiona.

After she has finished her late night meal, Fiona releases the latch and rolls onto her back, letting out either a sweet satisfied sigh or a loud, comical burp. Both noises give me an oddly validating feeling, as if I have just accomplished a monumental task. I try to not think about the fact that every mommy who has ever existed has done the exact same thing millions of times, often under more difficult circumstances. In that moment, I am Super Mom and my baby has transformed back from a noisy parasite to a perfect, tiny angel.

...and then 3 hours later I do it all over again.

The first month.

2011-07-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

My Darling Fiona,

One month ago today at 3:20 p.m., you came screaming into the world with flailing limbs, feathery brown hair, and the sweetest eyes I have ever seen. Someday soon I'll write down your birth story, but today I want to celebrate your life and the profound effect you have had on your daddy and I.

First, thank you for being easy on almost every front of this whole parenting business. You gave me an easy pregnancy, an easy delivery, and your first month has had only a few problems - all of them outside of your control. You were born with intense acid reflux and atopic dermatitis, both which have proven miserable and uncomfortable for you over the past week. Otherwise, however, I could not have asked for a more charming, hilarious, and perfect baby.

The first night we spent with you in the hospital, you slept on an odd mattress enclosed by plastic walls and perched on top of a rolling cabinet. I wanted to sleep with you, but the hospital policy didn't allow it. I was overwhelmed but so in love with you, and when you woke me up several times for changings and feedings, I was happy that I had an excuse to pick you up again.

The first two weeks of your life were spent in California at your Grandma Gina's house. We had a new home in Texas, but you weren't quite ready to fly there yet. Your grandparents were so good to us while we stayed with them. Grandpa Jimmy let us borrow his big nice car to drive you around in, and Grandma Gina cooked for us every day. Daddy and I were able to relax and enjoy your new life, and we can't thank them enough for taking care of us.

The day you came home, your Auntie G did something really wonderful. She covered your grandma's dining room table with useful gifts, a letter of helpful tips, and a fresh dinner. She recorded us taking you out of the car, and when I saw the video she made, I cried because I was so thankful that she captured that second day of your life. You were so tiny and fragile, and I can't believe that the chubby, smart baby you are now was ever that small.

Those two weeks in California were so important. We learned what your facial expressions meant, we learned how to respond to your distinct cries, and we learned that parenthood was not nearly as scary or difficult as we expected. You knew everything you needed to survive, so all we had to do was provide what you needed. Those incredible infant instincts helped you latch on and feed perfectly, and I love bonding with you when you nurse.

Your first bath was an epically chaotic experience. Since your umbilical cord stump was still attached, we had to give you a sponge bath by dripping water on you with washcloths and carefully scrubbing around your belly button. Unfortunately, baby bath tubs just can't hold a newborn efficiently, so you kept sliding out of your seat and onto your back. While I was holding you upright, daddy asked me to hand him something, and when I grabbed it from the bath faucet, I accidentally switched on the shower head.

You were sprayed with a huge burst of cold water, right on your face and the front of your body. I screamed, daddy and I got drenched too, and I immediately wanted to cry because of how pitiful your screaming was. I honestly felt like I'd physically harmed you. Looking back on the story now I can laugh, but it was my first big fumble as a parent, and I realize that it was a rite of passage :)

We said difficult goodbyes to our loved ones on your two week birthday and flew to Texas, where Daddy showed us around our beautiful new home. We are so lucky that he takes care of us so well. He started a new job here in Denton, and before we arrived he did his best to get the house ready for us. The dogs were so happy to have so much room to run around, and you responded well to the spacious, bright new environment.

In your third week, your Daddy's parents visited us on their way to their new home in Oregon. Your Grandpa Pat helped Daddy unpack the remainder of moving boxes and organize our garage, while your Grandma Sandy stayed with you and taught me helpful tips about babies. We celebrated the Fourth of July with a barbecue and were so happy we got to spend it with your grandparents.

That brings us to now, your big one month birthday. You are HUGE, baby girl. Last week you weighed in at 10 pounds, 2 ounces, a three pound gain since your birth. You are 21.5 inches tall, and you have the longest, prettiest fingers and toes that I've ever seen on a baby. Your liquid brown eyes are so big they remind me of an anime character, and you are changing every day.

You hold your head up for a minute at a time, and you make eye contact with a startlingly cognizant gaze. You are able to communicate so efficiently that most of the time, you don't have to cry to tell me what you need. Your fluffy hair was curly when you were born, but is straight right now. You are patient and quiet when we run errands, and you let us sleep through the night, only waking to feed occasionally. You talk and sing to yourself when no one is holding you, and when you hiccup, the expression of outrage on your face is so serious that we can't help but laugh.

I never believed that newborns had personalities, but you have a powerful one. When you hurt, your lungs unleash a mournful wail so heartbreaking that I can feel your pain deep down in my bones. When you're content, your huge inquisitive eyes scan the world above you, from the butterflies in your mobile to the stars in the vast night sky.

Thank you for giving me a center to my universe. I have never felt so balanced and purposeful in my life. I will do everything I can to give you a happy life, and I will enjoy every second that I get to hold you in my arms. One day you will grow up and consider yourself too cool for me, but for now, I will savor every moment that you need me. Your Daddy and I are so in love with you, and we always will be.

Until your next big birthday,
Mommy

A "Come To Jesus" moment with food

2011-03-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

(Fruit - What I should have been eating for the past month)

I failed my Glucose Tolerance Test this week. The test is administered to pregnant women as a way of screening for diabetes, and I have been fearing it with good reason. For the past month, I have been on a totally bizarre sugar binge. I say bizarre because I'm normally attracted to savory food, and I usually don't eat dessert or have a sweet tooth. I refuse to blame pregnancy "cravings" for my irresponsibility, because I made bad decisions, pure and simple.

A passing score would have been anything below 135, and I received a 141. I've heard that many women fail their first GTT test during pregnancy, including athletes and health nuts. For some women, the predisposition for gestational diabetes is simply genetic. I could try to explain away my failure with the fact that diabetes runs in my father's family (and among Samoans in general) but that isn't right. This is my fault.

I have been eating sugar nonstop for a month. For a span of two days, I ate muffins and no real meals. I have eaten a box of cookies over the course of another two days, and for meals I've been grabbing energy bars out of the pantry. With Brian on a wonky schedule and me suddenly being hit by fatigue, I stopped cooking dinner consistently for a month. By the time I'd snapped out of it, I had eaten every non-perishable item in the pantry out of sheer laziness. When I grocery shopped, I bought things I could either warm up or eat straight out of the box.

I don't mean to sound like a food snob, because Lord knows I love my grilled cheese sandwiches and other "toddler foods" as I affectionately call them. However, my normal eating habits are pretty healthy. While I couldn't afford to be one of those uber-wives that serves creative fresh organic meals every night, I at least made sure to have a protein and lots of veggies on the table when Brian got home from work. Brian is pretty creative in the kitchen too, so between the two of us we usually had a well-rounded, healthy dinner every night.

I'm surprised that my food hell month didn't produce worse results on my body. I gained six pounds between February 14 and March 14, which while high on the pregnancy weight gain scale, is still within range. At 26 weeks along, I weigh 142 pounds, which is a 17 pound gain from my normal weight of 125. Since I am 5'6" I'm surprisingly still in a normal weight range. My goal for the next few weeks is to slow that gain down, since I have not hit that crazy third trimester stage where the baby starts growing like a weed. At that point, I will of course expect to gain quite a bit since baby herself will be gaining a pound a week.

Next week I will have to take a three hour Glucose Tolerance Test that involves drinking a large orange glucose solution (yum) and then waiting for three hours. Every hour on the hour, a lab tech will draw blood and record the results. At the end of the day, my doctor will call to let me know if I passed. I'm nervous and I want to do everything right, so that includes a special Glucose Tolerance Test Diet that I will need to follow starting today and ending Monday. The diet requires me to "carb load," or eat 15 grams of carbs ten times a day. Given that I just ended my sugar binge month, this diet does not sound appetizing in any way.

I've started a Google Doc for tracking my eating over the next three days, which I've linked here for those interested in seeing what eating 150 grams of carbohydrates every day looks like. The document will refresh as I update it, so while it's a little empty at the moment, I will be held accountable to maintain it since I just put myself on blast here on the Interwebs ;)

Five years.

2011-03-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

My darling husband,

Five years ago today, you stepped out of a cab on Geary Street in San Francisco and I met you for the first time. You wore that terrible leather jacket that I still gently tease you about today, and you tried to charm me with your endearing, intense, quirky personality. Since I'd already heard about your reputation in high school, I tried my best to keep my guard up. I realize now how futile that attempt was, given the amounts of green beer we were drinking.

That evening, I drunkenly forgot my purse in a cab, and it was the best mistake I ever made in my life. You offered to drive me all the way back to my hometown so we could fetch my spare car keys from my mom. I asked how I could repay you for your kindness, and you told me a date would suffice. One date became a full month of amazing dates, and I remember thinking to myself, "This feels exactly right." I was 21, and you were 22.

Five years later, on another cold St. Patrick's Day not far from where we met, I sit in our beautiful house with our tiny daughter rolling around in my tummy. Our life together has been incredible, and you have proven to me that it is possible to fall in love with the same person over and over again, every day. Thank you for five amazing years, and here's to at *least* fifty more :)

First Anniversary - 2007

Second Anniversary - 2008

Third Anniversary - 2009

Fourth Anniversary - 2010

Fifth Anniversary - 2011
Coming Soon :)

Confessions of a Reluctant Pregnant Woman

2011-02-18T11:22:00.000-08:00

Prologue

I've received a few reader complaints over the years that I tend to "sugarcoat" my life in this blog by documenting only my happy memories. I will agree with this assessment, with a caveat. I keep this blog "G Rated" because my career goals involve working in public affairs - specifically for the government. My desirability as a media liaison depends on my ability to exercise a balance of discretion and transparency. Since I am apparently lacking in the latter, I will make an effort to share more of the ugly details of my life, from pregnancy pains to unemployment woes. I'm not naturally a snarky and bitter person, so I doubt this will really contain anything juicy anyway ;)

The Girl Who Doesn't Like Kids

Anyone who knows me personally has probably heard me make a snide comment about children, usually coupled with the words "birth control." When I looked at children in the past, all I would see was snot, stained clothes, mouths screaming, epiglottises quivering, red faces, fists balled, tantrum throwing and disheveled hair. I basically saw miniature adults with no sense of control or rationality, and I wondered often why anyone would voluntarily take that burden on. The only kids I liked were the ones in my family and circle of friends.

I understood that there was something mysteriously gratifying about raising a functioning human being, but I could not see it from the outside. I would cite research suggesting that childless married couples are far happier than their counterparts, and talk constantly about my DINK (double income, no kids) aunt and uncle, who jet off on exotic vacations and drive sports cars. Although I knew Brian wanted children, I was still not on board with the idea and told him I would like to wait until I was at least 30.

My girlfriend Katie, a gorgeous med student currently in Australia, emailed me after I shared the pregnancy news on Facebook to congratulate me. She said, "A day or two before I found out you were expecting, I was thinking of our conversation this summer regarding babies and boyfriends and marriage. And how you said you just didn't have that mothering instinct yet. You didn't have that 'biological clock ticking' phenomenon." Her email made me smile, because it reminded me of how far I've come from my very dark beginning.

My Darkest Night

The night I took a pregnancy test and received a positive was one of the hardest nights of my life. I started crying around 8 PM and I didn't stop until Brian left for work the next morning. I cried so hard that I got sick, and he could not console me. In fact, the opposite was true - he made everything worse.

The rollercoaster started after dinner. I'd been feeling off all week, so I brought a test home from the grocery store and told Brian I was going to "POAS," which is an acronym I detest that means "pee on a stick." In my old cynical anti-child days, I would make fun of immature women who were trying to get "preggo" and who used idiotic terms like POAS, so it was my way of trying to lighten up the mood.

When the plus sign appeared in that little white viewing window, I slumped to the ground in the bathroom and just sat there for awhile. Brian was watching TV and didn't know how long the test would take, so he probably didn't realize anything was wrong. When I emerged, I met him in the hallway, stared at the ground, and said "Well, I'm pregnant." With his usual puppy dog positivity, he just grinned and said, "We're going to be great parents honey, don't worry."

Brian studied behavioral psych in undergrad, so he has this annoying habit of seeing complex interpersonal problems as cause/effect, black/white. He knew that I was not on board the baby train, but he also reasoned that since there was nothing we could do to change the fact that I was pregnant. (I am strongly pro-choice, but we had already agreed that termination was not on the table.) In his highly objective and rational mind, there was no reason to waste tears on something outside of our control.

...and then there was me. Pregnancy hormones combined with disappointment about my long-term unemployment created a perfect storm of angst, and I turned into a total monster that night. I sobbed for the career that I hadn't even begun, and I cried for the youth that I felt I was losing by becoming a mother. I cried for all of the plans we'd been saving, and I cried for my first year as a newlywed that would be cut short by a screaming, crying newborn. I recoiled when Brian tried to comfort me, and I blamed him for not understanding me.

When the morning came and the sun rose, I posted this photo:

The caption read, "Sunrise appreciation. The view from my bedroom." What I wanted to write was, "The sun has come up and I'm going to be okay." I think my heart needed that night to transition from my old, bitter shell into my new life as a mother.

My Body Has Brainwashed Me

Apparently, pregnancy has set off my biological clock alarm. I am profoundly, deeply shaken to my core, and I blame it on my traitorous body. While my brain still operates pragmatically, sorting through all of the logistical details of preparing for the baby, my heart is hijacking my consciousness. I feel as if I am fluctuating between wanting to laugh with joy and cry with happiness, which basically amounts to me feeling like a crackhead.

The first time it all really sank in was when the baby first kicked. You would think that the enormity of the situation would have hit me much earlier than that, but as we can all tell, I am a late bloomer in the motherhood department. I was 18 weeks along and alone at home, because Brian was on a Navy ship somewhere doing secret squirrel things.

While lying flat on my back with my hands on my stomach, I felt my first Braxton Hicks contraction (a tightening of the uterine wall) and then there was a sudden series of four powerful pokes in my left side. During the first kick I basically jumped out of my skin, and as the following three succeeded it, I burst into tears and held my stomach to try to memorize the feeling and imprint it on my brain.

Since then, I have taken on this really weird Zen-like persona that is very unlike me. I'm normally a high strung, anxious person who worries about everything and takes everything too personally. Now, when I'm confronted by an awkward or uncomfortable problem, I just smile and breathe through it. When I finally get to meet this child, I am going to thank her for being my pharmaceutical-free chill pill.

But Has Everything Really Changed?

While I may be basking in my newfound softness, I won't pretend that I am a fundamentally changed person. I'm...enhanced, I guess. Instead of wanting to punt a screaming toddler like a football when it's freaking out in a restaurant, now I just want to soothe it and understand what's wrong. Instead of seeing children as an obstacle to my goals, I see them for what they are - a part of the big picture. This little girl will take precedence over everything else I do in life, but she will not replace or compromise my goals for myself. She will be my little sunshine, and I already love her more than anything I've ever loved in my life.

Baby Trapp FAQs

2011-02-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

Hi loved ones! Since the announcement has been made on Facebook, and my hope is that anyone reading this blog is a friend, this post is meant to address the many questions I've received regarding my pregnancy. I figured I'd save time and address everything in one fell swoop. Thank you again for your love and prayers.

The basics:
Baby Trapp is a girl and she's due on June 20.

Isn't that conception date pretty close to your wedding date?
She is a "honeymoon baby," literally.

Was this a planned pregnancy?
No. I would call her a "happy accident," but that's a little insulting to the ridiculously complex process that is creating a life. I will say that we were not actively planning for children until later in life (*cough*30*cough*) so our immediate goals have taken a pretty drastic adjustment.

When did you find out about the pregnancy?
By home test, November 29. Confirmation by a doctor was on December 6. I had no morning sickness or mood swings, and I was still receiving what I thought was my monthly "visitor." When my late November period didn't arrive, I took a test and received a positive, thinking that I was just a couple of weeks along. During my first OB appointment, the doctor turned the ultrasound screen around and I almost fainted when I saw an actual baby swimming and kicking around. It was an incredible shock, to say the least.

When did you tell your family?
We told my parents at Christmas, and Brian's parents on his mom's birthday.

Why did you wait so long to share the news?
We were hoping to have better news on the job hunting front before announcing the baby. Brian's final day in the Coast Guard is June 30 and my due date is June 20, so everyone is understandably worried for us and we're obviously very, very worried ourselves. The stress of not having any kind of plan in place is already a heavy burden, without the well-intentioned curiosity of friends. Now that I'm over 20 weeks and starting to show, I had to concede that my "wait till we've got a plan" plan was not going to happen in time.

So what's the backup plan?
I will deliver at David Grant Medical Center in Fairfield, CA and we will remain in our current home. We have savings and a severance allowance to cushion the blow of the worst case scenario, which is Brian not finding a career job by June. I am genuinely confident that this plan will not be necessary, but I am comforted to know that it exists.

Will you work?
I would like to. I have been actively job hunting throughout the entire pregnancy, and will continue to do so after the baby is born. The fact that I just finished a graduate degree in a subject I have no work experience in is pretty lame, so I would like to get started on my government career as soon as possible.

How are you feeling?
I am shocked by the surge of maternal, protective and loving hormones I've been flooded with these last few months. I expected to be emotional and prone to crying, but that hasn't happened. Instead, I find myself constantly bewildered by how doe-eyed and lovey-dovey I get over random experiences. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the opposite of the corny, overly sentimental girly type, but pregnancy has turned me into a veritable Puss In Boots.

How is Brian adjusting?
He is an amazing husband turning into an incredible father. (There is nothing hotter.) He has always been excellent with kids, and originally planned on becoming a 5th grade teacher before he joined the Coast Guard. Everything about this transition has been natural and pleasant, and I swear sometimes I find myself totally flustered by how intuitive he is. Every night he puts cocoa butter on my tummy, and talks to our daughter as if he's expecting a response. We constantly discuss our parenting preferences, and we luckily had plenty time to align those goals throughout our 5 year relationship. I'd say he's adjusting very, very well.

Final thoughts?
Please keep those prayers and happy thoughts coming. We're both very happy and excited, but we are also grounded in the reality that our little family is already in peril and we need to keep our focus on finding work. Once Brian has found a job, I will tentatively do a happy dance and truly start celebrating <3

A reminder of why I love California

2011-01-31T18:14:00.000-08:00

The route that Brian and I walk our dogs along every day is an interesting mix of scenic pastures and urban surface streets. I like that on any given day, I am just as likely to run into a herd of cows as I am a band of gun toting teenagers. It keeps things interesting.

This evening we were walking along Olivera Road when we came upon two imposing looking men. They sported facial tattoos, baggy dark clothes and tough guy attitudes that seemed to suggest they were former inmates or gang members. Here in North Concord, it's likely they could have been both.

"Be careful, honey," Brian cautioned from behind me as he slowed the dogs down to let the men climb into their souped up truck. The driver threw his door open and put the key in the ignition, firing up the car's engine and unleashing the startling sounds of:

I just about choked myself trying to keep my laughter inside. As soon as we'd rounded the corner, Brian started chuckling and I let my breath out in a huge whoosh of air as I started cracking up.

The totally eclectic vibe of California is what makes me love my home state, even though it can't keep its sh*t together sometimes. In the same way that you can visit the snow, desert, mountains, oceans and forests in California, you can also expect to find hippies married to soldiers and ghetto thug types who bump sentimental country music from their sweet sound systems.

California, I love you, you hot mess. You are just like me.

My MPA Graduation - June 13, 2010

2010-11-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

Exactly five months ago on a dry, oppressively hot California summer morning, I walked across a stage and accepted my Master of Public Administration from California State University, East Bay. I graduated magna cum laude with a 3.89, and was a member of two professional honor societies - no small feat for a girl who used to hate school :)

I had the honor of sharing that experience with my grad school family, known within the MPA program as "Group Awesome." We have had two amazing years together, and I credit my success in school to their influence. We shared late night study sessions, huge group projects, more margarita pitchers than we care to discuss, a cougar observation outing at Petar's, birthdays, beer pong, weddings, movie nights, and even one traumatic event. I love these folks for giving me the intellectual and social stimulation I needed in the two years I've been unemployed, and I can't thank them enough for helping me successfully finish grad school. Also, I'm sure we're all relieved that we will never have to edit each other's papers ever again ;)

Dinner and movie night at my house

La Pinata, our after school hang out for margaritas.

Petar's for dancing and cougar watching.

A salon project for Philosophy of Public Administration.

Playing beer pong at my 25th birthday.

Lunch at the New Zealander with Professor Brem.

Jake's wedding in Chico.

My wedding in September.

Graduation was a mercifully short affair, although it was filled with awkward speeches by people we'd never heard of before. I tried to immerse myself in my last few hours with my classmates, and busied myself helping everyone pin their hoods to their gowns. Since we graduated at our satellite campus in Concord, I took in the beautiful surrounding scenery of Mt. Diablo and tried to not feel sad that I'd never set foot on campus again.

The view from the front of the school.

My favorite Oakland PD cop :)

My fellow Pi Alpha Alpha girls.

A few of the Concord cohort MPA grads

Rockin' the school colors.

Since no graduation post would be complete without mention of the people who made it all possible, I must give a shout out to my darling family. They came to the ceremony, helped prepare my house for my open house party, and brought tons of bomb ass Filipino food to feed my friends. I am so lucky to have such amazing support.

My sister Janina and her husband Dan.

Steve and Ashley, our best man and bridesmaid.

My proud parents.

My then-fiance :)

The siblings! Aileen, Janina, me and Daniel.

After graduation, we headed back to our house for the open house party. Brian had just completed his Master of Homeland Security, so we considered it a joint event. We had all the makings of a great party - lots of food, cake, a chocolate fountain, open bar and a keg - but the weather did not cooperate. I ended up drunk, dehydrated, and sweating the entire time. Luckily, my friends helped keep the morale up and we all ended up having a great time despite the 100* weather.

My backyard before guests arrived. So shady. Too bad it wouldn't last.

The Filipino food spread.

Our graduation cake.

Brian wanted to wear a hula skirt and an aloha shirt.

Whether it was the dehydration or many tequila shots, I failed to take photos during the actual party. There were easily 50 people at my house at the peak of the party, and I was overwhelmed trying to greet everyone. Amid the champagne toasts, beer pong, and hilarious conversations, I realized that I was a very lucky girl to have such great friends. Thank you to everyone who made my graduation such an amazing experience!

Eye candy to compensate for my absence

2010-08-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

There are 26 days left until I marry Brian, and I have a lot on my plate...outside of wedding planning surprisingly. Thank you to those of you who still check in here, and if you're curious, here are some photos I took recently at our wedding venue.

The fountain that guests will pass as they enter the property.

Inside the pavilion, which will serve as the dance floor.

Outside the pavilion.

The wine cave doors that we will exit as we enter the military sword arch. Oh, and Bruno.

The courtyard where we'll say our vows. We will be on top of the stage on the right.

The view from where the guests will sit.

Inside the event room, which I oddly don't have any other photos of. lol This is only a small corner.

Brian's aunt Susan on the rooftop terrace where we are hosting our rehearsal dinner.

Our best man, bridesmaid and us on the terrace.

The iconic Flora Springs logo on stained glass. Notice the jewel tones? ;)

The semi-employed blues

2010-07-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

Last month, I was jettisoned from the comfortable cocoon of academia and thrust into the "real world," a place I had been desperately trying to re-enter for over a year. The Contra Costa Times laid me off in February of 2009, and I have not been fully employed since that day. I am a mess of emotions, ranging from bleak ennui over my unemployment to giddy joy at the thought of my upcoming wedding.

In 38 days, my name will be Florence Laumanamea Trapp. I can't wait.

Amid the chaos that is the last month of wedding planning, I find myself frightened by my future. Not my future with Brian, mind you, since I adore him and can't wait until the Coast Guard sends him home from that damn oil spill. No, I am scared of my career future.

I just earned a Master of Public Administration, but I have no government employment experience to show for it. I worked in newspapers for three years, but I am now struggling to fit myself into the freelance writing world. I love creativity and am naturally an artist type, but I carved myself a niche in the bureaucratic rigidity that is public service by earning my MPA. I don't belong anywhere, I think.

I want to run away and join the Peace Corps or the military (I know, very different services), but I know that my home is wherever Brian is. I want to have a normal 9-5 job with a desk in a cubicle and health insurance, but I find myself pulled in the other direction, toward spontaneity and adventure.

With any luck, Brian and I will be in a totally new location this time next year. If the Coast Guard decides to keep him around, we will move during the Permanent Change of Station (PCS) season next summer. If the CG decides to pass, we will have the opportunity to move anywhere we want. I'm thrilled by both options, so I guess that's a good sign that I'm learning to roll with the punches :)

Happy tears, courtesy of my sisters

2010-06-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

(Aileen and Janina graciously braving the heat at my Master of Public Administration graduation)

It could be the heat exhaustion wearing on my emotional barrier after spending hours in the blazing sun today at the San Francisco Pride Festival, but I doubt it. I have cried twice in the past hour, thanks to my beautiful sisters. The first occurrence was after a long hot shower, as I sat down to read my email. My little sister Aileen had written a nice summary about shopping, and I did not expect I would end up crying by the end of it :P

Aileen (AJ for short) lives 500 miles away from me, so you would assume that my participation in her bridesmaid dress buying process would be minimal. This could not be further from the truth. Between texts, emails, calls and an all too brief visit north, AJ has been the most meticulous and thoughtful sister I could ask for. She has literally tried on dozens of dresses and sent texts to me for input on styles, colors and materials.

Today, AJ found her dress. She had an amazing experience at Brides by Demetrios in San Diego, where she caused quite a stir regarding the "Will You Be My Bridesmaid?" card I made for her. I asked the bridesmaids to match their dresses according to the ribbon I used to make their cards. Apparently, giving cards is not a common practice quite yet because the salon had never seen it before. Aileen's experience is paraphrased below:

As I was filling out all the paperwork, Linda cut me a piece of the dress's sapphire swatch to keep. I took out your "Will You Be My Bridesmaid?" card to see how well it matched (basically perfectly!, btw). It was unbeknownst to me until today that these aren't common practice because the entire staff came over & admired it :D I'm totally serious when I say that the store manager got teary-eyed while she was looking at it. And Linda wanted to make one to display in the store as inspiration for other brides who may not have chosen bridesmaids yet :P And a saleslady with a thick New York accent as well as the rest of the staff had a good laugh at your kidnapping threat, haha! Basically, they're all your new biggest fans :D

As soon as I read that paragraph, even though AJ had already mentioned it briefly in a text, I started crying. I was already feeling delirious and emotional after my long day, so I pulled in a deep sigh to get myself together. Just as I felt calm again, I checked in on Facebook and saw that my older sister Janina had posted a video on my Facebook profile. However, it wasn't just any video:

I had absolutely NO clue that Janina recorded video on my graduation day. Her Nikon D90 is one of those sneaky dSLRs that does video and stills, so nobody else in my family mentioned seeing her record it. To say that I was a total mess is an understatement, I was so not prepared to cry again. LOL My graduation is such a precious and important memory to have, and I didn't even think to ask anyone to record it. Needless to say, I will be re-posting the video again when I do a synopsis of graduation day.

I'm behind on blogging because of the mad scramble Brian and I are doing to finish wedding tasks before he leaves for Search and Rescue school, but this blog needed to be written tonight so I could share my joy and gratitude immediately. I know I say this a lot, but I am so so so blessed.

Let's catch up, shall we?

2010-06-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

This blog is supposed to be a digital scrapbook of my life, and right now it is riding a fail whale of doom. I will recap the previous month's events as succinctly as possible, aided by my favorite form of memory keeping - my Flickr account. Every time I start to panic that I'm not recording important life events, I remember that I am trigger happy with my "little" camera. I would like to start reacquainting myself with my big camera again, but first I'll need to catch up on these dang posts :)

May 20, 2010 - Janina's Ultrasound

My sister Janina (check out her awesome military service oriented blog) is currently pregnant with her second child, a little boy named Sebastian. Her first born baby is my niece, god daughter and flower girl, Genevieve. I am ridiculously excited to be an aunt again, especially now that Janina is stationed back in California and we can actually plan her a baby shower! The ultrasound was a really great experience, and I love learning more about pregnancy and babies. Sebastian is already crazy active, and it was funny watching the ultrasound tech try to negotiate with him to show us his kidneys, liver and other internal organs. It seemed like all he wanted to do was show us his "junk," which was hilarious.

Summer 2010 - Concord Music and Market Series

It's farmer's market season! I know how yupp-tastic that makes me sound, but I intend it in the most economical way possible. Farmer's markets mean cheap produce and interaction with our community, not snobbery about expensive gourmet food (ahem, San Francisco). The food at the Concord farmer's market is literally farmed a few miles away, not trucked and flown in from exotic locales. The merchants are all working class farmers who ask reasonable prices for their organic goods, and I appreciate being able to support their hard work. Cooking is a lot more fun with all of the random things we grab, and it has become a bit of a sport to split $40 between Brian and I and see what we come up with. My latest obsessions are baby bok choy, beets (this recipe, specifically), heirloom tomatoes and every berry I can get my hands on.

Summer 2010 - Wedding Update

The cat's out of the bag - Brian and I are getting married at Flora Springs Winery! In previous posts I mentioned that I wanted to be cautious about saying where we're getting married, since Napa Valley is still pretty strict about weddings. Now that my wedding coordinator has given the green light, I can shout it from the roof tops! :) We have most of the major planning items done, so now it's time to buckle down for the smaller details. I will update with a separate post on wedding progress soon.

May 23, 2010 - Sonoma Trip

My friend Lynn organized a group of us to visit Sonoma, which was fun since Brian and I rarely get a chance to visit the other side of wine country. We stopped at Nicholson Ranch (where B-Trapp and I are club members), Sebastiani and Ravenswood, with a surprisingly delicious stop at a roadside shack called Angelo's Deli. The photo above is from the adorable patio at Ravenswood, overlooking a lovely view of the valley. I am slightly obsessed with Adirondack chairs, but am waiting until we live in a home with a real porch before I plunk down the money for real ones :)

May 25, 2010 - French Navy Ship Prarial Tour

Brian and I got into one of the most vicious screaming matches we've had in our over four years of dating on this day. This photo is a reminder that we always make up pretty quickly :) The basic idea of the story is that I hate disorganization, and Brian is very "go with the flow" (no pun intended, seriously). I spent an hour riding the BART train up to the city, only to find that Brian was lost, had no idea where our destination was, and that we were running late. One hour of circling the city later, I was hurling every insult I could think of in his direction. I didn't want to go on the stupid ship tour (two diplomatic ships were moored in San Francisco) and I certainly did not want to make small talk with a bunch of sailors. Brian finally convinced me to go aboard with him, and I instantly felt better. The French crew members were insanely hospitable and interesting, from the Tahitian woman I met serving drinks to the engineer officer who befriended us and took us on a tour of the ship. There was hilarious techno music pumping over the loud speakers, and good French wine on hand to supplement the potentially awkward conversations. I had a blast, and am grateful that the worst fights we have are only ever about small things that can be fixed with an "I'm sorry." :)

May 31, 2010 - Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day was awesome this year. We barbecued in Golden Gate Park with Brian's boss, and then we came home to cook s'mores on the grill with our friends Ashley, Steve and Chris. Summer holidays really are the best, because they give us the opportunity to relax and reflect. On Memorial Day, I remembered my family members who have served - my dad, stepdad, mom, sister, fiance, brother in law, and both of my future parents in law. I am proud of and grateful for their service and sacrifice.

June 7, 2010 - Napa with Aileen

My little sister has never been wine tasting before, which is kind of crazy to me. lol She drove up from San Diego for my graduation, and we took her out to the valley to introduce her to our favorite winery - Flora Springs, of course :) She tried everything from the white wine we'll be serving at our wedding (Soliloquy) to the single vineyard Cabernets that keep us coming back for more. I love that all of the wine clubs we belong to our dog friendly, so we can always have Bruno and Jubilee by our sides while we hang out.

June 13, 2010 - Graduation Day

Duh, of course that will have its own post. Stay tuned for the details!

June 19, 2010 - Karaoke

We came, we made terrible faces, we celebrated the birthdays of Ashley and Eric, and we sang Lady Gaga. Also, can we all agree that California Girls by Katy Perry is the song of the summer? Not to pick on country music (which I love), but there is a whole lot of undeserved animosity toward my home state and I am glad we finally have our own modern anthem. Does anyone else see the hypocrisy of Gretchen Wilson whining about "strutting around in your size zeros" when she's filming a video in a bikini and is obviously a size two? I really, really dislike that woman.

June 20, 2010 - Father's Day

To the man who helped raise me since age 12, who went to all of my soccer games and band reviews, who cheered me on at every graduation and drum corps performance, and who will walk me down the aisle when I get married - thank you. You have been the best father I could have asked for over these years, and I am honored to be your daughter. Also, thank you for the huge ping pong table now sitting in my garage - I will make sure to work on my Forest Gump skills :)

So that is the past month in a rather large nutshell. Graduation will come next, and then I will finally resolve some of the questions I've been asked about wedding planning. Thanks for hanging in with me, everyone!

"Will You Be My Bridesmaid?" Packages

2010-05-19T10:07:00.001-07:00

Ah, the bridesmaid packages. The bane of my existence for months. See those adorable bracelets? They taught me that I have absolutely no crafting talent whatsoever. My sister Janina had to make them all for me, because it literally took me an hour to string those beads together and attach their clasps. She finished four in that amount of time. The only thing I can take credit for is designing and assembling the ribbon accented cards themselves. Sigh.

Here's a photo she took of me assembling the cards while my niece (and god daughter, and flower girl!) crafted a little personal card for my maid of honor. I'm pretty sure that even her crafting skills PWN mine.

After having successfully created those suckers, you think I would have sent them out immediately. Ohh no, not me, Miss Has-To-Complicate-And-Overthink-Everything. I decided that I also wanted to buy bridesmaid handbooks for everyone:

...as well as write a six-page packet about budget, schedules, bridesmaid contacts, etc.

I am genuinely surprised that this is the only project which has caused neurotic behavior in me. Every other aspect of planning has been relatively stress-free because I just don't give a darn about things like flowers, linens and cake. We're getting married overlooking the Napa Valley, and I'm not sure that anyone is going to notice those minor details anyway.

After typing up the packet, I finally sat down to assemble the packages in my garage. I love that in our wireless little home, I can chill in the garage (on my old-ass college Ikea couch) with the pretty sunshine coming in while I listen to Pandora, send photos to the printer in my office, and update Facebook. This part of package assembling was the most relaxing :)

And off the packages went! My bridesmaids live in San Diego, Sacramento, Kentucky and right down the road from where I live, so I was able to hand deliver two while mailing the rest in flat rate boxes. While these suckers took a lot of time and money, I am glad that I was able to do something special for the girls who will be standing by my side on the day I marry Brian. 109 days to go!

The graduation getup!

2010-04-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

My favorite color has been peacock blue for quite a few years, and I originally planned for my wedding colors to be peacock and white. When I changed my color palette to jewel tones, I was a little sad to see my peacock blue go away.

Lo and behold, I dropped by campus yesterday to buy my graduation gear, and I found out that the Master of Public Administration hood is designated by peacock blue! Major squeeeee moment.

The red on my hood is in reference to my university colors, I think. I am also fairly certain that I am wearing the hood inside out, but at this point the whole getup is absolutely hilarious. I look like a blob and my fat head barely fits in the cap, so I can't take this outfit too seriously. On the other hand, it's kinda cool that my shoes will tie into the color scheme too ;)

Awww yeah Mr. Louboutin, red soles for my red hood trim! Since my graduation will be in a stadium on a grass field, I will probably opt for flip flops during the actual ceremony. Still, I can't wait to rock the whole getup for graduation portraits and after parties!

Wedding Woes

2010-04-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

This is a totally gratuitous photo of one of my wedding shoes. I am posting it with the hope of hypnotizing you into a false sense of security before I launch into what is possibly the biggest headache of my wedding planning process. Ooh, red. Ooh, gold. Is the hypnosis working yet? Good, now buckle down folks.

We are getting married in the heart of Napa Valley, in the beginning of the harvest season. From September through November, wineries in Napa start harvesting grapes and the tourism industry starts taking on the look and feel of Disneyworld. Wine lovers from all over the world descend on the valley for a chance to smell that delicious crushed grape scent and take in all of the amazing food and wine. When I think of harvest, I think of silly tourists rolling up their pants to crush grapes in a barrel. Kinda like this, but less dramatic:

I know, kinda traumatizing. What was I talking about again? Oh, right.

Given the influx of visitors to the valley during harvest, hotel room rates take an understandable jump. We're talking a price hike from $200 a night to over $500 a night. Brian and I have NEVER stayed overnight in Napa because it's hard for us to justify spending that much money on a hotel room, so it seems ludicrous to ask our guests to do something even we have never done.

According to the wedding industry, my wedding is considered a destination wedding because it is located in a touristy area. While I may not agree with this designation (I only associate "destination weddings" with beach locales) I do have to admit that I am absolutely horrified at the thought of asking my out of town guests to spend this much money. So far, these are the biggest issues I have confronted:

There is no public airport in Napa Valley. The closest airports are Oakland, San Francisco and Sacramento, all clocking in at a 1.5 hour drive from our venue in St. Helena. Guests will have to rent cars (ARGH! another headache!) just to get to the valley.
Our wedding is Labor Day weekend. Everything is more expensive, and everything is already book several months in advance.
If we block rooms at a hotel with a "decent" rate (i.e. $150 a night) we will have to rent a shuttle to transport guests the 30 miles it takes to get into the valley. Our budget is already maxed out.

Given these problems, we have two realistic options:

Push the wedding date forward to August. Pro: Cheaper everything. Con: Less time to plan.
Block rooms in an affordable but far away hotel. Pro: Easier on guests. Con: We have to cut money from elsewhere in the budget to fund a shuttle.

This is where you come in, dear readers. Many of you are acquaintances of mine online, and others of you are real life friends. Whether your perspective is from near or far, I would like to hear your input on what you would prefer as a rhetorical (or real!) guest at my wedding. Do you have any advice to impart on my poor frazzled soul?

Pure, blind, furious hatred.

2010-03-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

Last week I found out that my professor was arrested for owning child pornography.

This week, I found out that he has been accused of being a baby rapist.

It is surreal and devastating to type those words, because I trusted, respected, and genuinely cared about him. Having been unemployed for a year, my classmates and professors have taken on the de facto role of friends to me. I feel naive and betrayed, but above all I cannot fathom the insanely evil things he has done. There is an article here that explains the general details, but I must include a warning that this case is easily the most f*cked up, disturbing thing I have ever read.

I am fortunate enough that I have never been exposed to anything remotely horrifying in my life. I have been sheltered from so many evil realities that I am often blindsided by harsh truths, and I have not developed a thick skin about ANYTHING. I have recognized myself moving through the stages of grief over the past week, almost in the same way that I would if he had died. In most ways, he has died.

His name is Ken Kyle, and he taught what I referred to as our "fun classes." Our program provides a good mix of theoretical and practical coursework, so his job was to dabble in way-out-there concepts that somehow-kinda related to organizational theory and public policy. Most of the time, we just sat around talking about politics and writing essays about whatever the heck we wanted. I appreciated that I always received an easy A from him, and that he always respected our opinions even when he did not agree with them.

He was a Southern gentleman from Louisiana, with a polite drawl and all of the manners you would expect of someone raised in the South. When I look at the national news articles and read comments that talk about him being a "liberal from San Francisco," I get so angry because he most certainly was NOT a product of my hometown. There have also been comments about how his students are "probably all ghetto thugs on scholarships," since he teaches at a poor state university. I just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of those comments, because most of my classmates are definitely white, suburban, middle-class government employees.

I have talked out my feelings several times over the past week with friends, and I thought that I had finally reached some sense of peace. I was floored yesterday when I received the email from my classmate, with information about his crimes in St. Louis. I literally gagged on my lunch, and had to choke down a sob as I tried to push thoughts and images from my head. This disgusting psychopath was my friend, and I never had any clue. This little girl could have been saved if one of us had just seen a glimmer of the monster that he is.

I am considering talking to a counselor next week, during the first week of my last quarter of grad school. My classmates are also organizing a get together to sort through our feelings, and I think it will be particularly beneficial to me because I am such a sensitive wuss that I am unable to function when I am this upset. This is one of those times that I really wish I had a job so I could throw myself into busy work and forget about the nightmares that lurk in plain sight.

The best word to describe my emotional state is hatred. Pure, blind, furious hatred. I hope that he dies slowly, painfully, and at the hands of cruel rapist prisoners in San Quentin. I hope that they don't spare him one moment of torture, and that he is forced to confront the evil that he inflicted on an innocent child. I hope that in his last moments, he remembers all of the people that he betrayed and outright lied to for his entire life. I hope that bastard rots in hell.

Gifts & Hand-Me-Downs

2010-03-24T08:51:00.001-07:00

I received a wonderful little package yesterday, containing the gifts above. My bridesmaid Shana is the goddess of handmade, from her sewing skills to the handwritten letters she sends me periodically, written in her lovely scrolling cursive.

In the package, I received two lip balms from Etsy vendor Bohemian Rose: Brighid and Chai Tea. I also received a gorgeous-smelling soap sample, which I keep picking up to sniff as I pass by. I am so grateful that Shana thought to send me a pick-me-up after the terrible quarter I had, which actually did not turn out as poorly as I thought. My new cumulative GPA is 3.9, which I can live with. Thank you my Shana Banana!

Receiving this package reminded me of the outpouring of love that comes with getting engaged. The past nine months have flown by, and it feels absolutely INSANE that in less than six months, I will be married! We have received the sweetest cards and well wishes in the mail, and I personally have benefited from the passing down of reading materials from married friends.Below are two books that I currently have the pleasure of borrowing from Luci and Ashleigh, who were sweet enough to think of me. I love that both books represent the brides who sent them to me: Luci for her traditional, classic wedding and Ashleigh for her chic, cosmopolitan wedding. They were both gorgeous brides.

My sister Janina has also spoiled me with wedding goodies: a fabulous wedding planning binder, along with this adorable calendar that I currently have hanging in my guest room.

My last cool item is actually non-wedding related, but it is flippin' amazing. My friend Jon takes incredible photos of abandoned buildings and sites. He and a team of other urban explorers have documented everything from missile silos (on an active military base!) to Neverland Ranch, post-Michael Jackson. His work is stunning, and I won a copy of his calendar by responding to a blog post. I have wanted to go traipsing with Jon for awhile, and will hopefully have the opportunity to do so after grad school and wedding planning have calmed down.

I love the colors on February's photo:

I can't say enough about how cool my friends are. I am such a lucky girl.

Mama's 50th Birthday Party

2010-03-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

My mom called shortly after her 50th birthday to thank me for helping plan her party. I laughed to myself, not knowing how to react, and then slowly shook my head as I tried to figure out what to say.

How do you thank the person that taught you strength, humility and grace? How do you express gratitude to a woman who gave herself selflessly all her life to her family and career? How do you explain that you don't deserve thanks after subjecting your mom to over 18 years of petulance, rebellion and defiance?

I just smiled, and said "Of course Mama."

__________________________________________

My stepdad generously paid to rent the Clubhouse at Paradise Valley and provide hors d'œuvres with cocktails for my mom's 50th birthday. When he asked me to help put the details together, I was thrilled because I had been thinking the same thing as her birthday approached. We managed to surprise her through some covert planning and coordination with friends.

The party was beautiful. Family, friends and coworkers attended, and when the toasts began I realized how truly loved my mother is. All of the comments about her character were about her kindness, specifically her refusal to speak poorly of others. In a world full of backstabbing and pettiness, my mother proved that good people still exist.

Mom's boss called her the hardest and most honest employee she'd ever met, and my grandfather started to cry when he talked about how overwhelmed he was to hear of his daughter's strong impact on others. I was incredibly humbled.

My sister Janina had the great idea to put together a timeline of mom's life, mixed with world events that coincided through the years. I put together a slideshow of photos from mom's college years and on, and it felt great to show how much she had accomplished in her life.

At the end of our presentation, Janina sprang a surprise :) She had her dad read a note card, highlighting the milestones that will happen in 2010. At the very end, he read that Mama would be a grandma for the second time around! Janina is due in October and we're all crossing our fingers for a boy!

I could talk about the details like the flowers, cake, favors and decor I planned, but none of that really matters. What I want to remember most about that night is how truly loved and appreciated my mom is. I could not have hoped for a better party to celebrate her first 50 years.

[All photos courtesy of my talented sister Janina]

Friends + Vendors = Friendors!

2010-02-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of talented friends. They're the kinds of people who are always barraged with requests for favors in their particular trades, whether they work in cars, health, law or computers. Three friends in particular, however, are exceedingly skilled in wedding-applicable industries, which makes my life a million times easier. Meet my friendors!

Dr. Darrell Wesley is a Navy Chaplain who works with Brian at Coast Guard District 11 in Alameda, CA. They recently toured the country together with the district commander, offering support to the family of fallen crew members from a plane crash last year. During their travels they developed a great friendship, and I had already admired Chaplain Wesley's sermons during the events he has hosted in the past. Over the Christmas break, the chaplain approached us and offered to serve as the officiant at our wedding. I couldn't be more thrilled to have him bless our wedding. He is crazy smart, with a master's degree from Yale, and is currently completing his *second* PhD. He is thoughtful, articulate, funny and genial. I can't wait to hear what he comes up with for our wedding!

Maurice Johnson and I were high school buddies after working on a homecoming "Battle of the Walls" project together. The competition involved painting a themed mural on a 2o-foot-tall slab of butcher paper using cheap and rather rudimentary paint markers, but we still did a darn good job every year. Maurice is now a student at the Academy of Art in San Francisco, working toward a BFA in Photography. His style is playful, artistic and colorful, and I love that he is willing to work with my more traditional, composed and clarity-obsessed mind. I trust his artistic eye to capture the details, emotions and atmosphere of my wedding :)

As a sidenote, the photo above was from our unexpected reunion at the Pride Parade last year. As much as I would love to pretend that I run around San Francisco in a sailor costume all the time, that is not the case :P

Miss Ashley Castillo (far right) has been mentioned several times in my blog, but I just can't articulate her talent adequately. She just made the Impact Team for MAC Cosmetics, which is a major accomplishment for a girl who just started at the company a year ago. Her talent for fashion, color and texture is amazing, and I trust her implicitly with all of my beauty decisions. She will handle my make up on my wedding day, and I know she will do an amazing job.

Brittany (pictured here with Jason) is our wedding coordinator, whose praises I cannot sing too publicly about since the location of our venue is still a secret. Brittany is the Events Manager at the estate, and she is working for free. You read that correctly - this talented, patient, lovely woman is managing catering and logistics for our wedding without charging us a dime. We're budgeting money to be able to pay her for all of her hard work, but we're not even sure if she can accept it. Either way, this goddess deserves to be honored publicly and I'm (impatiently) waiting for the day that I can introduce her to you readers more formally. I'm squirming in my seat, people!

The amount of money we're saving for our wedding because of these friendors is astounding. With our small (for the Napa Valley) budget and the fact that we're both grad students, I'm amazed by the quality of services we're still able to afford. For those of you old married folks: did you have any friends pitch in for your wedding day? And for those of you unmarried whippersnappers, will you have friends helping out with wedding stuff if you ever get married?

New Series: A Few of My Favorite Things

2010-01-28T01:07:00.000-08:00

Although this may seem flippant given the last entry I wrote, I have decided to write a few entries on items I use that make my life happier, easier, or both. For today's "favorite thing" subject, I chose my pilates foam roller. I just bought that expensive gray slab of foam yesterday, and was going to discuss why it's so awesome in the video below, but that section was totally a wreck. I am great at public speaking when I actually have an audience, but talking to my little pink camera is really weird :) I hope you enjoy my part review, part tutorial on easy stretches and exercises you can do with a roller at home.

PS: No, I didn't notice all of the dog hilarity around me until after I recorded the video. It is pretty ridiculous that I was so oblivious to their shenanigans.

The things I hold dear

2010-01-28T00:16:00.000-08:00

[Brian and I in Hawaii in 2008]

This blog may come off as pretty shallow to those who don't know me, since the only thing I have talked about lately is material "stuff." Weddings, make up, cooking, and wine are just the more recent items I've posted, and I am sure that new readers must wonder if I'm lying about being a grad student ;) Hah. The truth is, I have avoided substantial topics for awhile on purpose.

There are certain subjects in my life that I regard with such reverence that I am afraid I will jinx them if I brag about them too much. I have an amazing family, a man that I still fall in love with every day, and a body that has yet to cause me any major problems. I am healthy, loved and happy, and it seems trite to constantly repeat that here.

In addition to having those fundamental needs met, I have the honor of saying that I worked in the journalism industry for three years, doing amazing and important work. I am earning a top notch education alongside some incredible people, and I am so happy to say that I finally LOVE school after resenting it for so long. My Master of Public Administration will be in my hands on June 20, and that fact is still very surreal.

[My "book stations" in our dining room]

So yes, I do care about deeper topics. I study politics, organizational theory, public policy, information management, budgeting and finance, participatory action research and public affairs, among a plethora of other things. I care deeply about my future career in civil service, but I am also looking for private sector jobs too. I just interviewed for a job that would pretty much make all of my dreams come true, but I am tempering my hopes with the reality that there are hundreds of smart, savvy Gen Y workers like me out there. I am not a unique little snowflake of a girl, even though all my fabulous friends tell me so ;)

This blog has fulfilled a number of capacities over the past three years, from the meaningful to the trivial. I don't feel the need to prove how informed or enlightened I am because frankly, the people who love me already know I am conscientious. I will continue being as silly or as serious as I see fit, and I hope you'll all continue staying along for the ride.

City Hall wedding dresses

2010-01-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

I have been deliriously sick for a week. Since I have no health insurance or job, the topic of legally marrying Brian early has come up often. As stoked as I am to get married soon, I would prefer to stay the course with our plans for the year and wait until September 5. In the meantime, my incoherent mind has been running a contingency plan and shopping for little white dresses perfect for a City Hall wedding.

Many military brides have gone the legal ceremony route for a variety of reasons. With the constant possibility of Permanent Change of Station moves, deployments, and financial hardship due to the economy, it makes sense to earn the extra pay and benefits associated with getting married early. I am admittedly being a stubborn traditionalist by sticking to my guns on this topic. The next time I'm in the throes of another wicked virus, ask me again and I'll probably flail dramatically and eventually agree. (Brian honey, this doesn't mean that you can intentionally infect me with Swine Flu...)

Below is a short list of dresses that I think would be great for a City Hall wedding. I love short, sassy and stylish little numbers for this type of occasion. Color is kind of a moot point since it's not a traditional ceremony, so my picks run the spectrum from gold to ivory to white, with fabrics ranging from cotton to silk to tulle. I love all the detail and flair represented in these dresses.

BCBGMAXAZRIA
Gold Sequin Strapless Tulle Dress
$425.00 here

ModCloth
Lucky Star Dress in Rock
$79.99 here

Galina
Style No: VC9832
$399.00 here

Laila Azhar
One Shoulder Pleat Dress
$384.00 here

Taylor Dresses
Ruffle Jacquard Sheath Dress
$158.00 here

Amy Kuschel
Hepburn
Price Unknown here

Galina
Style No: N9781
$399.00 here

And my personal favorite:
Sue Wong
Strapless Dress with Ostrich Feathers
$518.00 here

These pretty little white dresses also serve as great reception/getaway dresses for a big wedding :)

A visit to a M·A·C training facility

2010-01-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have ridiculously talented friends. I will discuss that topic at length later when I introduce my "friendors" (friends/vendors) for our wedding, but the two ladies above are a very specific breed of talent. Ashley and Jessica both work in the beauty industry, and they both happen to be my bridesmaids :) The photo above was taken after Ashley tried some pretty blue shadows on Jessica, and it was BEFORE Ashley became a M·A·C Cosmetics artist, so you can imagine how many skills she's acquired since then. For example, check out the amazingness she created for the Coast Guard Ball last year:

I am a far cry from model material, but Ashley definitely has a knack for highlighting the best in everyone. When she asked me a few weeks ago to be her "model" for a new M·A·C position try out, I wanted to ask her "Are you sure?" but instead blurted out "Of course!" I selfishly wanted to get an anthropological glimpse at the inner workings of the M·A·C brand. I hoped it would be like going backstage at Disneyland and seeing Donald Duck with his head off, which I did actually see 10 years ago when my high school marching band performed at Disneyland.

We arrived at a huge ring of corporate office buildings situated along the waterfront in Emeryville, home to the regional M·A·C training facility. Every few months, all employees at every counter in the Bay Area must make a pilgrimage to the facility to learn about the season's latest products and techniques. This is no small undertaking, as the company tends to completely overhaul and reinvent itself with each season. Artists are expected to know every product's name, ingredients and applications, which they learn during eight-hour marathon classroom sessions at the training facility.

Of course, I'm completely talking from a naive outsider's perspective on this topic. I literally had no idea what was going on when we walked into the unassumingly inconspicuous office space and were greeted by two facilitators, who introduced themselves as "Missy and Victor." I later came to find out (amid "oh my God" exclamations from Ash) that Victor was Victor Cembellin, a celebrity stylist and artist who is regularly on television and jet setting around the world. He was so humble and genuine in person that I would have never guessed what an industry star he is. I love meeting successful people who don't have a chip on their shoulders.

Ashley disappeared into a conference room for an interview with several senior M·A·C artists. Judging from the laughter and chatter coming out of the room, I guessed that she was doing a great job. Her warmth and authenticity is absolutely endearing, and I figured that she was probably charming their pants off. I sat in the waiting room with the incoming interviewees, trying to not eavesdrop on their buzz word-laden chatter.

I was going to attempt to mimic their discussion here, but even now my brain cannot process exactly what was said. I know that the gorgeous skinny blonde with fringe bangs was discussing one of the new lines (called "All Ages, All Races, All Sexes") but then she started talking about "keys" and managers, and I felt like a civilian hearing military acronyms for the first time. The entire beauty industry is a mystery to me, and I still find myself in awe of anyone who works in it.

As the interview went on, legions of all-black clad artists floated in and out of the office. Their clothes were tailored within a centimeter of their lithe, almost identical bodies, and there was a sense of androgyny between their chiseled, angular features. I still can't really tell you how many men were in each group because they were all so intimidatingly and arrogantly pretty. "Fierce" was the first word that came to mind as I tried not to stare while they glided by holding Starbucks cups and iPhones. I felt embarrassingly old and frumpy in their presence.

Ashley emerged from her interview triumphant. She was happy to say that she felt at ease and honest with the panel. They asked her questions about her goals in life and her philosophy on make up, which she had not prepared for. She thought the interview would center more on her knowledge of products and her sales records, but all of that information was already available in her file. They even knew that she had written an informal product review on a new line of essential oils, which Ashley had only distributed to the people at her counter. Apparently, her supervisor had slipped the regional managers a copy and Ashley got major kudos.

A new facilitator invited us into a large classroom-like office, with fancy multimedia equipment positioned in strategic areas of the room. One long wall contained all of the M·A·C products in display-like configuration, and the adjoining wall was a solid glass window with a view of the San Francisco Bay. Along the opposite wall, with perfect access to the natural daylight, were two make up seats for demonstrations. We entered the room with one other artist and her model, then were immediately thrown for a loop when the artists were told to trade models.

Ashley was prepared for this possibility, so she immediately went to her new model and began asking her questions about her skin type. My new artist disappeared to the product counter without speaking much to me, then returned five minutes later armed with everything she needed. Her demo was rushed, messy, and stiff. I left the room with brush streaks where foundation had not been blended, and I wasn't wearing mascara or anything on my lips. I looked like I had started my make up and stopped halfway. For this reason, I decided to not take pictures of the demo finished product. It was a little pointless.

Ashley, on the other hand, did a rockin' job displaying some of the new mineral products and finishing her model's makeup within the 15 minutes she had. We left the facility just happy that it was over, and while we don't know Ashley's status as a contender for the new position, I was just glad I got the chance to learn more about her job. I have a renewed sense of respect for M·A·C make up artists, even though I still know nothing about their products ;) What can I say, we all have our talents and make up just isn't mine. I'm okay with that, because I have some amazingly talented friends to help me in that avenue of life <3

Taking on Tacky

2009-12-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

[Yes, those are $7 Ross-bought pimp cups, in my kitchen.]

I abhor the word "tacky."

It's a word that is all too prevalent in the wedding industry, and when I hear it, I outwardly cringe and inwardly shudder. I fail to understand why women tear each other down based on personal preferences and individual style. The word "tacky" smacks of entitlement and pretension, of outdated decorum and stuffy high brow nonsense rules.

From what I have managed to learn and contextualize through reading wedding blogs and books about "propriety" and "social grace," tacky can mean any of the following: inappropriate, embarrassing, cheap, tasteless, unstylish and gaudy. It is meant as an easy go-to synonym for those who have neither the class nor the vocabulary to find more dignified ways of insulting others.

One of the most important lessons about manners that I've ever learned was from a lovely Mormon friend of mine in 7th grade, who explained that the reason she never cursed was because she was taught to find "smarter and more effective" ways to convey emotion. While I still curse like a sailor, her message has stuck with me for over a decade. Speaking articulately and coherently will always be more effective than rattling off a string of expletives. In the same way, there are far betters ways to insult others than to sound ignorant by calling them "tacky."

I have also begun to savor the speedy unraveling of all things etiquette-obsessed and proper. While I completely respect cultural traditions and recognize the importance of honoring the institution of marriage, I resent the idea that my guests should feel obligated to defer to an outdated, shallow and sometimes meaningless code of conduct that I myself don't agree with.

I promise that I won't care if any of my guests wear white. My bridesmaids will likely have different colored dresses. My ceremony will be non denominational, and knowing my amazing and hilarious officiant, it will also be a hoot. There will be obnoxious rap music at my reception, along with flamboyant club mixes, and I won't give a darn if the DJ plays the Chicken Dance. If I somehow end up in a keg stand in my wedding dress at my fabulously exclusive wedding venue in the Napa Valley, my friends will probably not be surprised.

I am certain that some facet of my wedding will be cause for criticism from someone somewhere, thanks to the wide-reaching audience of the Internet. I have purposely avoided wedding forums like The Knot for this very reason, because I refuse to let strangers tear me down. I'm willing to bet that some aspect of my planning has already offended someone for whatever ludicrous reason, and I'm sorry, but I truly do not care.

I have been guilty of making careless comments about weddings before, but I acknowledge now that I was being callous. If you think that spending tens of thousands on busted old furniture for your vintage shabby chic wedding is a worthy cause, more power to you. Run with it, make it yours. If you want to buy your wedding out of a cookie cutter box complete with trendy damask invitations and a photo booth at your reception, have an absolute blast and invite me, because that sounds like fun.

The point is, just because another person's wedding style isn't my own doesn't make it "tacky." It makes it unique. Brides of the world, embrace the tacky, and lay your etiquette burden down. I am not the first to lead the anti-tacky revolution, but I promise to continue being one of its biggest proponents.

A very Jersey Shore holiday card

2009-12-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

Every year, it happens.

As Christmas approaches, I swear I'm going to spend time making handmade, handwritten, heartfelt holiday cards for my friends. I have a craft box full of lovely paper, cardstock, stamps and craft punches, which are only used for the handful of times that I actually complete said cards. The process can often take 15-20 minutes per card, and I start losing steam by the fifth little masterpiece.

This year was no different. I started off by selecting a few photos, experimenting with different layouts, and assembling a few mock ups. As each one came together, I was less and less satisfied with the final product. Eventually, I threw my hands in the air and finally ordered Walgreens photo cards at the eleventh hour. This is what I received:

Your eyes are not fooling you, that top photo is not of the perpetually intoxicated and slurring Snooki from the Jersey Shore show on MTV. The top photo is from the day that Brian and I got engaged, and I promise that I had neither a spray tan or a sun burn. The coloration came out all wrong. Notice that the bottom photo is yellow tinted, while the top photo is a garish red/orange. Both photos looked fine in the online version of my photo card, which I will post in a few days after everyone has received their copy. I should have just stuck with my original idea - Bruno on the front, stamp on the back.

Ah well, lesson learned. It is better to have ink stained, paper cut hands than to send out 40 copies of a hideous holiday card ;)

Dirty jobs, urban winery style

2009-12-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Brian called me from work to ask if I would be free Saturday morning. Fall quarter just ended so I told him I would have the day off. He asked me out on a secret/surprise morning date and I couldn't resist another trademark Brian surprise. My only concern was that he asked me to wear clothes I wouldn't mind getting dirty. This slightly worried me.

I usually don't mind dirt at all - I love yard work and sports and outdoor activities. My only concern was that we have entered our rainy season here in NorCal. I wasn't looking forward to being freezing cold and muddy. With my temperature-sensitive anemic body, I'm more prone to getting sick when I've been exposed to cold for too long.

This morning he woke me up at 8 a.m. and his tone had changed - instead, he asked me to wear clothes I wouldn't mind getting "stained." He also told me that he was putting me to work, and I pouted. I guessed that we would probably be painting someone's house as a favor or something of that nature, which would be fine if it were not for the rain.

We drove to his work at Coast Guard Island in Alameda and I got confused all over again. Was he going to ask me to paint a Coat Guard boat with him? Instead of taking a right onto the base, he took a left and we entered an unfamiliar street. It wasn't until I saw a sign for Irish Monkey Cellars that I realized what was going on.

"If you don't mind sweetheart, we're going to bottle wine," he said grinning.

Irish Monkey Cellars is a small urban winery in the East Bay of Northern California, where most of the staff is volunteer and the motto "Will Work For Wine" is taken literally. Brian is friends with the cellar master at IMC, who was a Coast Guard Academy graduate with his father.

I was so excited! I've never done anything involving the production of wine and the process is still a bit of a mystery to me aside from the tours I've taken at large production wineries like Mondavi and Sterling in Napa. I've seen the automation process from vine to fermentation, but never done by hand.

Brian spent the day corking bottles by hand with some sort of lever device that got him sweaty and covered his shoes in wine. I spent the day leisurely injecting empty bottles with a gas that pushed all of the oxygen out of the bottles before they were filled with wine. I had to lift cases of empty bottles every few minutes, but otherwise I didn't break a sweat. I really enjoyed being part of a production line of work, and all of the other workers were incredibly sweet.

After bottling several pallets of tempranillo and sangiovese, then cleaning down all of the bottling machinery with sulfite and water, we kicked back and enjoyed the extra wine while snacking on an extensive breakfast spread of smoked salmon, brie, boursin, fruit and amazing bread. I had an excellent time and can't wait until we go back for the next bottling day!

New kitchen toy

2009-12-11T11:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I decided to buy a Crockpot. We previously planned to add a slow cooker to our (currently nonexistent) wedding registry, but with the wedding nine months away it seemed silly to wait for something we plan to use now.

Truth be told, it isn't the fanciest gadget on the market. With Christmas around the corner and another of Jubilee's vet bills due next week, I don't have the money to spend for the level of quality we would have registered for. I spent $38 on the Crockpot 5.5 quart Programmable Slow Cooker, and for that cost I'm really impressed with its list of features.

Today I made a beef stew, loosely based on a recipe from the Crockpot manual. I have never been the type of cook to follow recipes exactly because I like customizing and experimenting according to my personal tastes. Brian, on the other hand, has an anxiety attack when I don't level the pancake mix before putting it in a bowl ;) I love that he is so exact and by the book, but I have a lot more fun cooking when I'm allowed to improvise small things.

For example, in today's stew I added jalapenos and used red onion instead of white. Brian likes jalapeno in everything, so while the flavor doesn't exactly match the profile of the other ingredients, I added it just so he could have his spice fix.

In seven more hours I'll be able to report back with the results of the first day. Brian will be coming home from his second straight day of duty so I'm sure he'll be hungry, but I'm hoping I didn't mess this up. Seriously, if I mess up soup then I'm a failure of a cook. haha

Doggie cease fire

2009-12-06T13:24:00.000-08:00

First off, thank you to all of you online and real friends who shared advice and empathy with me. It's true that my feelings for Jubilee were bottled up for a long time, aside from infrequent vents to friends. It wasn't something I felt the need to bring up publicly, but I'm glad I did.

Getting all of that bitterness out of my system really helped me reaffirm my commitment to being a good dog owner. While I may consider (ahem, fantasize about) sending Jubilee to a rescue shelter, I know that I wouldn't do it unless I was certain she'd have a better life outside of our home. She is a part of my family and as far as I can tell, she is generally happy here. She is the only part of my life that I feel I am compromising or "settling" for, and I'm okay with that because I accepted that possibility when I brought her home almost 3 years ago.

After I wrote that last blog entry I immediately picked Jubilee up and held her for awhile while she wagged her tail and tried to lick my face. I felt like I was calling a truce with her and she seemed to accept that agreement. As the next few days passed, I made an effort to pay attention to her and began to realize traits that I'd either tuned out or ignored before.

I was surprised to realize that she followed me from room to room in the house, hovering for a few minutes before getting bored and retreating to the living room. She wanted attention, and I finally started to notice. She has always been a lap dog, but it never occurred to me that sometimes she just wanted me to pet her and do nothing else. She especially seems to hate when Brian and I do homework on our computers, because she shoves her snout into our hands to prevent us from typing. Her way of communicating is demanding, but affectionate.

I have selected the trainer I'd like to work with next, hopefully during the new year when our finances have recovered from Jubilee's vet bills and the holiday season. In the meantime, if anyone wants to nominate us for a dog behavior show I'd be more than okay with that :P I am willing to accept any help we can get with Jubilee, so if you're local to the San Francisco Bay Area and have experience with a good trainer, feel free to let me know.

Again, thank you everyone for your support and advice.

All burden, no blessing.

2009-11-30T12:29:00.001-08:00

The dogs and I were standing at an intersection today when a man on a bicycle rode by. Predictably, Jubilee lunged at him with teeth bared and body in attack mode, barking the whole time. The man swerved out of the way in fear and into the street. There were no cars going by at that moment, but she could have easily caused him to get hit by a car.

The leash was already taut when I pulled back as Jubilee lunged for a second attack. As she turned mid-air, her whole body switched focus and she attacked me, sinking her teeth into my forearm as I tried to pull her away from the street. I tried to shake her off, but she clamped on and bit harder. While most people would have yelled at her or hit her, I just yanked her back into heel position and continued walking. Having tried every method of punishment available, I know that absolutely nothing works on her.

Before I go on, I must preface this entire entry by asking that you NOT refer to Cesar Millan in the comment section of this blog. The last time a person tried to use his methods on Jubilee, she bit the trainer, somehow pulled our of her collar, and ran into a busy street in the middle of Golden Gate Park. I am sick and tired of people thinking that his methods will work on every dog, because they don't. I have tried. I have tried so many behavioral programs that I can't bear to hear more non-professional advice. All I ask is for a nonjudgmental place to air my grievances...and that's what this blog is for.

I have always been the type of animal lover that normal people loathe. I judge people who give up on dogs because they're "difficult," and I strongly believe that pets are family members. I brought home every stray animal I found as a kid, and would never date a man who didn't want a dog. The best animal I've ever owned was my Rottweiler named Precious, who was a gift to me from my dad before he passed away. I am a huge advocate of pet adoption and especially adopting bully breeds.

We adopted Jubilee from the Oakland SPCA in July of 2007. We spent an hour at the shelter getting to know her and asking questions of the staff. She had been left in an overnight box for unwanted pets at the Hayward SPCA, and had no identifying tags or collar. She had no health issues, was house broken, and showed no behavioral issues - according to the staff. While Brian and I ran around the play area with her, she raced in circles and chased after balls. Her name seemed appropriate - Jubilee the jubilant. We adopted her that day.

As we walked her to the truck, she bounced around happily and wagged her tail. I opened the door and she tried to jump in but was too little. I went to pick her up, and she bit me immediately. Tragic foreshadowing at its finest. Brian wanted to go in and ask the staff if she had bitten before, but I assured him that she was probably just nervous and wasn't used to being handled. Whether the staff was lying about her behavioral issues or not, we inherited a dog with a multitude of problems.

She attacks children, bicycles, roller skates, men, women, pretty much anything that shows up in her line of sight. My hands and arms are covered in angry deep scars from all the times she has attacked me or snapped at me. Every time we leave the house, she whips herself into a frenzy so severe that she often cuts her nose open from biting at her crate bars. If we leave her out of the crate, she immediately jumps on the couches and pees all over them out of spite. She has ruined every single piece of upholstered furniture we own.

Jubilee has been through both behavioral and obedience training. She is frighteningly intelligent and is capable of all the usual tricks and commands, plus some. Since she's a Sheltie, we expected that she would be smart and she absolutely is. She gets plenty exercise (I walk her on a two-mile loop every day, rain or shine) and eats only pure organic food. We have given her the perfect environment to flourish in, and she has given us nothing but pain and anger.

For the past 2.5 years, I have had the ability to do everything the "right" way for her. I telecommuted from home so she never spent more than a handful of hours in her crate when I had to go into the newsroom for work. We had a predictable routine while I worked, so she was always on a schedule and never had any distressing breaks in routine. When I was laid off in February 2009, I became a full time pet parent and she was given even more attention and time. When Brian and I go out on date nights, we always make sure to never be gone more than 8 hours because we feel incredibly guilty about leaving her in her crate any longer.

What this translates to is a LOT of resentment on my part. No matter how much effort I give her, the only thing I get in return is negativity. She refuses to play with us, sits by herself in the living room all day, and rarely gives any type of affection. Even though she's housebroken, she will purposely pee inside the house when she's upset. I have spent the past two years of my life hating this dog with every fiber of my being.

The ONLY reason she is still in our home is because of the backlash we know we'd receive from giving her back to the shelter. There is a huge social stigma attached to "giving up" on a dog, and we are very aware of our ethical responsibilities to this pet. We have suffered through her attacks and spent over $4,000 on vet bills for her health issues, all because we are afraid of people judging us for giving up on her. The sad part is that I would feel absolutely no internal remorse if we sent her back to the shelter.

I hate that she has killed my joy for pet ownership. I recently told my best friend that literally 80% of my daily stress level comes from Jubilee, and that was true even when I was balancing a full-time job with a full graduate level course load. This dog is pure evil and I want nothing to do with her anymore, but I am obligated to keep her until she passes away. We haven't even gone into the planning we'll have to do when we have kids in a couple years. Jubilee will likely have to live in a separate part of the house from them because she'll attack them at first sight.

We have tried everything within our financial means to fix her behavior problems. We have consulted specialists, taken her through several obedience and training classes, and even went as far as getting a bark collar - which did nothing. No jolt of pain is strong enough to derail her rage when she's in attack mode. We have done research on programs where owners send their dogs off to special behavioral programs for a few weeks, but all of them are completely out of the question for our already slim budget. Until I find well-paying job to help contribute to our finances, we'll have to keep suffering through her psychotic episodes.

At least I've got Bruno, my little piece of sunshine.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

Since I have spent my entire 25 years of existence in the Bay Area, my holidays have felt very much the same each year. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and Manny Pacquiao boxing matches are all held at my grandma and grandpa's house in Walnut Creek. No matter the holiday, we can look forward to lumpia, pancit, empanadas and bibingka as staples at the kitchen table. Brian has grown used to fitting his six foot tall body into the little couches and chairs of my Filipino relatives, although the picture below is admittedly exaggerated ;)

This year's Thanksgiving was no different. Brian and I cooked an apple bacon dressing, sweet potato casserole and turtle creme pumpkin pie as contributions to the Filipino/American feast at my grandparent's home. We watched Pacquiao fights, drank apple cider, and retired home a little earlier than usual because we're getting old. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family.

Below is a video of me opening our new hand mixer, featuring Brian's creative video recording skills. Yes, we're like this all the time and yes, we laugh a lot. I love him so much :)

Seattle: Gettin' our urban on!

2009-11-25T19:51:00.001-08:00

Sirena and Christina are fellow Coast Guard wives whom I met on a forum for CG spouses. We have been in touch for a few years online and in person, and I just love the both of them. Thanks to last year's PCS (permanent change of station) season, we all ended up on the West Coast, which is far from their respective East Coast homes in Boston and D.C.

Needless to say, a girl's weekend was in order. It made sense to meet in the "middle" of San Francisco and Kodiak in Seattle, and by a stroke of serendipity we managed to make the timing work. During Christina's return flight home from a work trip and in the middle of a furlough week for my school schedule, we all managed to converge on Seattle. Hallelujah!

Between dim sum in the International District, braised ribs from Sirena's slow cooker, gourmet donuts at Top Pot Doughnuts, artisan grilled cheese sandwiches at Beecher's Handmade Cheese, top notch wine at DeLille Cellars, specialty cocktails at Vessel, the foodgasm that is Purple, and the offerings of Washington's finest restaurants, breweries and wineries at the "New Vintage" event at Fremont Studios, we found foodie heaven in Seattle.

Being a Seattle newbie, the girls decided to take me to see some of the popular spots in the city. We took a tour of the Space Needle and walked our way to Pike Place Market for all the sensory overload fun there. Since a Major League Soccer game was taking place that weekend with LA Galaxy's David Beckham in tow, we got to see a bunch of soccer fans running through the streets to express their allegience for their teams. Despite the cloudy weather, the mood was incredibly cheerful in the city.

Since Christina lives in the gorgeous wilderness that is an island in Alaska, she is fortunate to have the opportunity to travel for her job. While extolling the virtues of having the best of both worlds, she said the phrase "gettin' my urban on" in reference to having weekends in different cities all over the country. We decided that that phrase would be the motto of our weekend, and had a blast exploring the city with all of its charm. I had the pleasure of meeting another Coastie wife over the weekend, Elizabeth, who was an absolute doll to hang out with at Pike Place Market and for breakfast the day we departed.

Sirena's home in Bothell was gorgeous, and I loved getting to see her children and husband again. Kyla and Jacob, her kids, are just the sweetest, quirkiest little creatures on earth. Her husband Scott was the hero of the weekend for making time to care for the babies while we were out of the house running around the city. I joked around that he drove the "limo of trucks" as we rode around in his fabulous all leather, sleek black F-150. Having a mix of the suburbs and the city was my idea of a perfect weekend.

Thank you again to Sirena and Christina for making my introduction Seattle a great one. I adored the weather even if my anemic California body had to stay under a pea coat the whole time, and I told Brian that I will be more than happy if he gets stationed there in the future. It was so good to see the girls in one place, and I can only hope that as our husbands' careers move us all over the country, we will continue having more girl's weekends wherever we may be.

Remembering our veterans in Arlington

2009-11-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Veteran's Day to my father, my hero.

Rest easy, sleep well my brothers
Know the line has held
your job is done
Rest easy, sleep well
Others have taken up where you fell,
the line has held
Peace, peace, and farewell

[That guy next to my dad totally looks like Jay Z, no?]

A lovely week with an old friend

2009-11-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

Many moons ago, I performed with the Glassmen Drum Corps based in Toledo, OH. Drum corps is basically professional marching band on speed. You can only participate until age 21, which gives the activity a very temporary and fleeting quality that makes it so much more special. The picture above shows a pretty moment during one of our shows. The girl in the center of the form is my drum corps "little sister" Charlie, whom I took under my wing in 2003 during her rookie year. She was 16 and brand new to the world of drum corps, so we forged a close friendship and have tried to keep in touch ever since.

Charlie (short for Charleve) visited our home for a week and I had a wonderful time catching up with her. She is moving to Argentina next year to dance professionally for a flamenco company, and I am so proud of her I could burst. She has been an incredible dancer her entire life and I know she will take Argentina by storm.

We spent the week taking in the sights and sounds of the Bay Area. We ran around Napa and Sonoma for a day, walked the dogs every morning so Bruno (my dachshund) could see the gophers that live nearby, drank in the eccentric environment of San Francisco, and went dancing at an 80's club that was a favorite of mine in college. Here we are rockin' out with Wii toys before heading out for the night:

Charlie is a really healthy eater so I loved having her around to share fresh veggie meals with. I never realized that you can drizzle EVOO with salt and pepper on anything and it will taste delicious. She and I are both anemic, so we tried to buy foods that were rich in iron. Brian laughed many times and said that Charlie and I are two peas in a pod: we're both deathly allergic to bee stings, and we are both anemic and always freezing cold. I'm glad to say that after a week of eating healthy fresh produce every day, I have maintained the habit and tried to eat healthy ever since.

I was sad to see her leave, but I know we will be in each other's lives for a very long time. My fingers are crossed that she will be able to make it to our wedding next year, and she has already volunteered her service as Bruno's handler at our reception. Bruno and Charlie spent almost every moment together and he seemed to regard her as a sibling and friend. When she left, he sat at her door and whimpered mournfully, hoping she would eventually emerge. I cannot wait to see how he reacts when he sees her the next time around :)

An evening cringe-a-thon

2009-11-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

(Me in the "dark ages" of my life, also known as undergrad.)

. . .

I just spent two late nights doing the emotional equivalent of consuming a tub of ice cream.

It began innocently enough. November 4 marked the anniversary of a friend's passing and I wanted to find a photo of him. I cracked open my LiveJournal to find the entry referring to his passing, and I found myself faced with three years of overflowing hatred and anger.

[Envision this scene for a moment: Flo sits on her chaise lounge playing music from lyrics referenced in each journal entry. She laughs frequently, writes rhetorical letters to ex-boyfriends, deletes them all, bursts into random bouts of tears, and caps the night off by sending up a prayer to God to thank him for saving her from all of that hell. All of this while completely sober.]

As I read, I had to keep pausing to remind myself that I am 25 years old now and in a happy place. I was so dark and vengeful that I literally scared my current self. Those three years (2003-2005) were the roughest of my life because I was brainwashed through all of them.

I had a long-distance boyfriend for over two years. He was my first boyfriend. I was stalked, degraded, abused and lied to constantly. During that time, I moved to Texas where he lived, moved back home, and eventually became traumatized enough to leave him. The end.

Unfortunately, it took me years to start fixing the damage he did. I had three tumultuous relationships with three (actually quite wonderful) guys in one year, and all three dumped me. By the time I met Brian, I was literally a mangled heap of scraps and I was resigned to the fact that I did not deserve to have a boyfriend. I spent the first few weeks of our relationship regarding him like a dangerous explosive, waiting for him to show some sign of either being psycho or running in the other direction. When neither happened, I decided I was going to marry him ;) I kid, I kid. I will tell our love story some other day.

I look at myself now and I am astounded that I actually turned out normal and stable. I would show you that crazy journal but I simply do not want to expose that ugly person ever again. My writing literally felt like a wall of resentment and hate. I criticized everything around me and I blamed everyone else for my problems. I was probably bipolar, but I know now that it was not a reflection of me.

From this seat in my beautiful home filled to the brim with love, respect and happiness, I see myself now as I have always been: a good person. I attribute a huge amount of my transformation to Brian and the support he has provided all these years, but I know that a lot of it has come from within too. The best metaphor I can think of is cliche but appropriate: I feel like I'm a phoenix risen up from the ashes.

Wedding colors: Jewel tone palette

2009-11-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

The Dessy Group is hosting a color palette contest for a $500 prize. While I am not interested in entering, I did have fun playing with the Pantone colors to create a starter palette for our wedding. I am tentatively planning on using "Jewel Tones" as the color theme for our wedding:

1. Sapphire
2. Emerald
3. Venetian Gold
4. Ruby
5. Amethyst

I think that this is an appropriate palette because my birthstone is diamond, which is the whitest and brightest of gemstones. It's also very bridal :)

Photo credits:
Bridesmaid Dresses: Dessy Group styles 2755 and 2733, colors listed above
Shoes: Christian Louboutin Glitter Pump
Bridal Dress: Vonda by Maggie Sottero
All other photos: Taken or designed by me :)

I decided to include a photo of our venue and a photo of Brian's uniform because I hoped to convey the interesting contrast between the laid back style of Napa and the more formal feel of a military wedding. I can't wait to plan how those two elements come together, and I think that jewel tone colors will offset the fall weather quite nicely. What do you think?

Me at age 20.

2009-11-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

Long before I settled into a quiet life in the suburbs, I had grander aspirations/delusions of grander. :P I studied Arabic, Islamic philosophy and international relations in an effort to become an embedded reporter. During this stage of my life, I considered joining the military. When the opportunity to take part in the recruitment process arose, I jumped at the oppoortunity.

Above is an audio clip of me describing myself as a journalism student going through a military recruitment process for a story. I ended up following through with the Marine Corps OCS program for a few months, and I likely would have commissioned had I not decided to take a job with the San Jose Mercury News. I gained an amazing friend and contact through the recruiter, who I am happy to say is now a military defense lawyer. Below is the multimedia story I produced as a result of my experience with the USMC program at SFSU.

Bruno's Halloweenie costume

2009-10-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

It is so much easier to choose a Halloween costume for a dog than it is for a human. My original idea was to wear angel wings with white lingerie. My plan was that when people asked what I was, I would reply "I'm a college student." If you're an American and you've graduated from a university in the past decade, you'll know exactly why this is funny. I think the greatest challenge is that I'm Asian/Polynesian and that limits the types of female pop culture characters I might be. Last year I was a sailor, and this year I still have no clue what to dress up as. Any ideas?

Coming full circle: a blogging anniversary

2009-10-19T20:56:00.001-07:00

I have officially been blogging here at crazymoflo.blogspot.com for two years. I have survived ship patrols, the loss of my beloved chinchillas, career revelations, a change of address, unemployment and grad school. To commemorate this milestone I thought it would be fitting to resurrect one of the first topics I wrote about here in October of 2007:

Rain boots. Profound, right?

It is sad that even after two years, I have not found a satisfactory pair of rain boots. My preferences are few and minor: flat, neutral colored, knee high. I would like a pair of rain boots that are cleverly disguised as riding boots. I would ideally want a tan colored pair, but thus far all I have found are brown and black. Help a girl out and scout some tan rain boots for me k? :)

Aquatalia by Marvin K. Maddow - $298
Gorgeous, but...have I mentioned that I'm an unemployed grad student? Next.

Timberland Lexiss tall - $160
Great color and hardware but that heel and sole are way too mountain man for my taste. I'm looking for something more sleek and subtle.

London Fog Wales - $160
This is Rachel Zoe's pick on Piperlime and I can totally see that it's her style - patent, slouchy, half modern and half bohemian. I would totally consider this one if the reviews hadn't been so poor.

Equestrian rain boot - $98
Yes. I love these. Stick this in the "when I get a job" pile for sure.

Have you started pulling our your rain gear in response to the stormy weather?

Singin' me to sleep...

2009-10-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight is another edition of Flo's Sleep Playlist, which is appropriate since it's just past midnight and way past my bedtime :P These are the gorgeous men singing me to sleep tonight, and although I can't embed all of their videos, I guarantee that it's worth clicking the links to hear them sing.

"Why Don't We Just Dance" - Josh Turner
I chose to list this one first because it's the song that makes me happiest. The song is sweet and catchy, and the video is an "evolution of dance" look at style through the decades. I've been listening to this song on repeat because Josh Turner's voice makes me weak in the knees.

"Who Says" by John Mayer
Typical JM, whispery singing and acoustic guitar with a healthy dose of narcissism.

"Welcome to the Future" - Brad Paisley
This song made me choke up the first time I heard it in July, and when we saw Brad perform it live a few weeks ago, I literally had to turn away because the video in the background was so poignant. Only Brad Paisley can discuss Barack Obama in a song without alienating his core Republican audience.

"Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Bublé
Jazzy, debonair, smooth and effortless, MB is such a heartthrob. He even works a marching band into the grocery store-themed music video.

Our wedding venue!

2009-10-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

Date: September 5, 2010 - Sunday of Labor Day Weekend

Guest Count: 100-120

Location: Private estate in St. Helena, CA

We finally have a wedding venue and date! Brian and I spent months scouring sites and visiting venues before we found an amazing location in one of the last places we ever thought to look. I am not planning to disclose the exact name of our location of our wedding until Napa Valley has formally accepted a change in ordinance, so for now I will just have to satisfy your curiosity by sharing photos.

Napa Valley has banned weddings for years due to its status as an agricultural preserve, citing increased traffic and noise as reasons to keep large events out of the county. A handful of wineries were able to "grandfather" their status as designated wedding venues, but the vast majority of businesses were unable to host more than a few guests at a time. Our wedding coordinator shared stories of brides having to wear "white cocktail dresses" instead of wedding dresses to their own weddings to avoid being "caught" conducting weddings on premises. Even now we will be limited to keeping our wedding within the 10 PM noise ordinance, but we are more than happy to make that concession.

I saw this location for the first time a few days ago under very non-wedding circumstances, and even then my heart immediately skipped a beat. It is lush, verdant, green and vibrant, with a smell that reminds me of camping in the redwoods and sipping good Cabernet for the first time. When we found out that we would be allowed to host our wedding there, I literally started to cry because I could not imagine a more perfect place to marry the man I've been waiting all my life to find. We are blessed, and we will hopefully be able to thank the people responsible when the time is right.

We are waiting on details like catering, rentals and vendors from our coordinator over the next few weeks, but she knows our budget and has been completely flexible about our options. I'm just completely floored over the amount of freedom we are allowed to have. We do not have to stick to a preferred vendor list and we do not need to pay insane site fees for the venue. We have been allowed creative control, and our coordinator has been nothing but open and supportive. Meeting her for the first time was like a dream because of how refreshing her perspective and attitude were. The fact that she is young, friendly and open-minded are just the icing and sprinkles on the cake.

I will discuss a few of our bad experiences navigating the Bay Area wedding industry later, but for now I am more than happy to focus on the positive place that we finally arrived at. My enthusiasm is completely renewed and I cannot wait to share our wedding planning process over the next year. Below is one of many mock ups I've considered for our wedding monogram, but it isn't "the one" quite yet since it was made before we had a venue. I have a whole new color palette to work with now ;)

What are the odds? Natural disasters in Samoa and the Philippines

2009-10-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

A main road in the downtown area of Fagatogo, in American Samoa, is seen flooded from a tsunami on Tuesday. (Fili Sagapolutele/Associated Press)

My mom is from the city of Bauang in the Philippines. My dad is from Fagatogo, American Samoa. This week, Tropical Storm Ketsana flooded the Philippines with a month's worth of rain in 12 hours while a tsunami and 8.3 earthquake hit American Samoa. As if that weren't enough, a "Super Typhoon" is headed back toward Manila (a mere hundred miles from my mom's hometown) and American Samoa is being rocked by aftershocks.

I feel more than a little helpless, sitting in my house in California. I donated as much as I could spare to the American Red Cross International Response Fund but I don't feel as if it is enough. My mom gave me names of my cousins who might be in Samoa, and they thankfully all seem to live in Hawai'i now. I just worry about the uncles and aunts who I don't know very well, still living in Samoa. For now, I'm just keeping them in my thoughts and prayers.

This is the strangest coincidence of natural disasters I've ever experienced. Being half Filipino and almost half Samoan (my dad was Hawaiian and German as well), it seems that the chance of natural calamities happening at once in those two places is insanely slim. I've heard a lot of crazy talk about "end of the world" signs, but I know that this is just Mother Nature's usual cycle of changes. I just can't believe how strange of a coincidence this all is.

Video: The Trapps in Texas

2009-09-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm technically not a Trapp yet but I adore alliteration and this was the perfect excuse to use it :) This is a 66 second video from our trip to Texas a few weeks ago. It definitely isn't one of my finest works of art (hah.) but I was bad about recording footage while we were there. The photos are way better, and I'll share those next.

A special shout out to Nicole Galletta and her first "Pocket Memory" edit this week. Check it out here: Hilton Head Island. I think it is so awesome when bloggers try new ideas, and in this case she couldn't have borrowed from a better source. The brain behind the Pocket Memory concept is none other than Andrew DeVigal, my former mentor and current New York Times multimedia editor.

A vent about slang

2009-08-31T12:37:00.001-07:00

When Brian and I first started dating, he had just moved to California from Florida. He used to point out a lot of cultural differences that he didn't like (hippies, protesters, the usual) but he did remark that he was relieved to hear less of the "N" word. The moment he mentioned that, my jaw dropped and I asked how he could even remotely condone it being used in conversation.

"Well it wasn't like only white people used it. I'd say black and white people used it equally - and usually only in the company of each other."

I acknowledge that I live in one of the most politically correct states in the country, so I know that I'm probably overly sensitive about this crap. I cannot stand when people use racial or homophobic slurs, and I especially hate when they DEFEND their usage of them by saying that it's "normal."

There is nothing normal about sounding ignorant and childish.

Just because you live in a place where everyone else freely throws around the word "gay" as a synonym for lame does not excuse you from sounding like an asshole. There is nothing enlightened about co-opting the "N" word and calling your friends it. Derogatory words are not cute or funny, especially girls calling their girlfriends "bitches." California valley girls, I'm talking to you.

So please, start thinking a little more creatively about your colorful language. With the plethora of curse words available in the English language, we can all live in a world of mutually disrespectful, but politically correct harmony. This has been your feel-good blog post of the day.

Back in Black...err, um, dark brown.

2009-08-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

I finally went to the salon to have my hair dyed back to its original color today. I don't know why I ever highlighted it in the first place, because darnit, I was blessed with pretty hair. I'm also really excited that my hair is growing out, which is hard to tell since it's layered. Check out the longest layer in this next photo:

Score! For reference, here's what my hair has looked like for the past year:

June 2008: My stylist "fixed" my hair by highlighting the heck out of it. Note how pasty I am.

May 2008: Possibly the most embarrassing photo of my hair ever...check out those ROOTS! My hair has looked like this for the past year because I grew out my highlights and didn't dye over them.

Now that I'm back to dark brown, I'm done with spending money to color my hair. Brian loves it because this is the color it was when he met me. Aww <3

A big day for my big girl niece!

2009-08-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

My niece started KINDERGARTEN on Thursday!! Not gonna lie, I totally cried a little seeing this because I don't want her to keep growing up so fast. Her dad just deployed a week ago so I'm really glad they got to chat before this big day. She looked super cute with her purple outfit and pink backpack, and you can totally tell that she's the tallest girl in her class :) Yay for the first day of school!

Redneck wine tasting

2009-08-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

Brian and I spent last weekend scouting wedding venues in Sonoma County, which is located directly next to Napa Valley. As much as we enjoy our two wine club wineries, they are both too small (60 guests or under) and too exclusive (St. Helena) for our tastes. We liked the concept of a vineyard wedding but wanted to visit a few sites to determine how affordable they were.

We were standing at the tasting counter at Nicholson Ranch Winery when Brian noticed an aloha shirt on sale along the wall.

"Is...is that grapevine camoflage?" Brian asked incredulously. The sommelier, named Oz, laughed and confirmed that it was. "So does that come in coveralls?" Brian asked with a straight face.

"No but it's perfect for vineyard hunting," Oz replied without skipping a beat. I was already cracking up when Brian decided to take it a step further. He picked up his glass of pinot noir and swirled it with his pinkie finger in the air.

"I'm gettin' Kraft singles on the nose" Brian began in a Southern accent. I laughed and cringed, because his accent was worse than Sookie's on the HBO show True Blood.

"Slim Jim on the palate, prunes on the attack, Jim Beam on the finish..." he trailed off. I had to brace myself against the counter from laughing so hard.

"Redneck wine tasting at its finest," I said, raising my glass for a toast.

[Photo Credit]

Hawai'i, one year later

2009-08-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

It is hard for me to talk about Hawai'i without feeling a deep ache in my heart. My father spent many years there so we visited often, catching Space Available military flights from our home on Travis Air Force Base to Hickam Air Force Base on Oahu. I remember being buckled into the mesh-like harness restraints on cargo planes for our flights over the Pacific Ocean, and I remember the smell of orchids mixed with tropical humidity when we stepped off of the plane. My father passed away when I was 11, but it was his sincere intent to enroll my sister and I in the Kamehameha Schools system when we reached high school age. Somewhere in the chaotic mix of my ethnic background is enough Hawaiian ethnicity to qualify for acceptance into Kamehameha, but I'm not sure if that will hold true for my future children.

Brian's roots are as firmly planted in Hawaiian soil as mine are. His grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins still reside there and I had the pleasure of meeting them during our visit. I'd planned to do a vacation recap last year when we got home, but we spent two weeks moving and I lost track of time. Every time I sat down to try to type it out again, my heart started to ache and I realized that I simply couldn't put my feelings into words. I miss Hawai'i too much.

I'll attempt to post vignettes and narratives as those memories come to me, but I'm not interested in doing a full-blown recap. Hawai'i isn't a place of the literal or quantifiable so it wouldn't make sense to write it that way. For now, I'll leave you with a series of short clips from our vacation. I wish I had taken more footage, but I was too busy enjoying life. As you can tell from the "singalong" section, the song I selected was pretty much the only thing on the radio that year in Hawai'i. We listened to it a million times and I couldn't resist using it just one more time for our "home video."

A walk with Quagmire

2009-08-08T11:06:00.001-07:00

I took the dogs out for our peaceful morning walk yesterday around 10 a.m., expecting an event-free stroll since most people are at work on Fridays and most children don't come out to play until noon. Our route takes us through Coast Guard housing, which guarantees mostly friendly waves and polite small talk.

I exited the housing site and entered a main road when a silver car pulled up alongside us. The passenger side window rolled down, and I tried to avoid making eye contact. All of a sudden, the still morning air was broken by the sound of a loud male voice:

"GIGGITY!!!!" yelled the driver.

I stood in total shock as the car sped off. I looked at the dogs, who barely noticed the disturbance. And then I started to laugh. How the driver knew I love Family Guy, I will never know. Well played, mysterious drive-by Quagmire.

Forgotten flexibility

2009-07-31T01:02:00.000-07:00

I have not attended a fitness class in a year. The photo above was taken last March before a yoga class, and you can tell by my posture that I was relaxed and at peace. I had been alone for the majority of the winter, waiting for Brian to come home from a ship patrol. The rain poured on our little townhouse every day, and I attended pilates and yoga in my rain boots. Arriving in class and peeling off the layers of clothing I'd protected myself with all day felt like therapy. The sunshine returned that day, and so did Brian the next week.

I miss the feel of my bare toes placed firmly against my yoga mat. I miss my pilates instructor gently making fun of me when I extended too high on stretches, reminding me that I wasn't a dancer anymore. I miss meditating at the end of each class, lying flat on my back while I relished each glorious breath in the dark community center room. I miss dropping my shoulders and exhaling deeply, so heavily that it sometimes felt like the beginning of a sob.

This fall I'll go back. Jogging on a treadmill occasionally does not replace the sense of center and peace that comes from stretching, exercising and meditating with a group of real live people. As much as I appreciate Comcast OnDemand fitness videos, the instructors cannot adjust my back alignment or square my hips when I'm posing incorrectly. Plus, I just plain hate my living room after being unemployed for six months :P

Nighttime mumblings

2009-07-30T01:28:00.000-07:00

Brian worked for 24 hours straight today and yesterday, after having already been on a rigorous work schedule. He is working on his qualification as a LEDO (law enforcement duty officer) which means that he has been working 6 PM - 6 AM every day. After he passes his board and joins the duty schedule, he will have to stand watch a few times a month. It's nothing compared to him leaving me for 3-6 months at a time, but it's certainly a challenge to tiptoe around his sleep schedule.

He finally fell into bed around 7 PM, and I ushered our excited little dogs out of the room so he could rest. Bruno sat whimpering at the bedroom door, clearly upset that his "dad" had just gotten home and he couldn't play with him. I went about my evening doing homework, then climbed into bed with him sometime after midnight. The dogs padded quietly into the room and waited until I picked them each up to get into bed. The following conversation ensued as I snuggled up to him:

"Honey, remind me again what your schedule is for these next couple days?" I asked.

"...Wenshday?" he replied, obviously not awake. I laughed.

"Yes, that's today," I reminded him. There was silence, and then his somnambulate hold around my shoulders tightened.

"I'm laying on the dogs," he said without the slightest trace of concern. I cocked my head and double checked that both dogs were indeed sleeping on my side of the bed and not beneath his body. I laughed again, silently shaking as I covered my mouth with my free hand.

"Oh honey, you're not laying on the dogs," I reassured him.

I attempted my original question once more, but he was already snoring happily into my ear.

A brief godmother brag

2009-07-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

My goddaughter/niece Genevieve was only two years old when the video above was shot, and already her sense of humor and sass was clear. She loved reminding me that Brian was HER boyfriend and that she was simply allowing him to hang out with me ;) She's now a talkative, smart and gorgeous five-year-old who is well on her way to breaking the heart of every boy in school. Check her out in her first hula performance last week, she's the dancer on the far right:

As if there were ever any doubt, Genie proves that hapa children are always flippin' gorgeous <3

City fun and sewing adventures

2009-07-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

One of my dearest friends, Cynthia, came to visit this weekend, and we had a blast exploring San Francisco. We ate cannolis and gnocchi in Little Italy, browsed trinkets and tasted tea in Chinatown, frolicked in Golden Gate Park and the Presidio, dined with her parents at Pier 39 on the waterfront and made our way to the Golden Gate Bridge, where we did cartwheels a few years ago as part of a high school pact :)

As part of a weekend filled with wedding-related hilarity, we decided to undertake some of the DIY projects in the latest issue of the Martha Stewart wedding magazine. We purchased cheap yards of organza and tulle (about $12 total), printed templates from the Martha Stewart Web site, and watched Borat while we carefully cut and sewed. By the time we were done we had made several dahlias, roses and peonies. They turned out quite pretty, especially considering that the extent of my sewing ability is usually mending Brian's jeans. We wore the flowers in our hair all weekend and received random compliments everywhere we went.

The finale to our four days filled with wedding gibberish was a visit to the Jessica McClintock outlet store in San Francisco, quite possibly THE trashiest bridal/prom store in the city. While I completely appreciate the outlet as a resource for inexpensive and discount dresses, we knew going in that we would be sampling painfully ugly gowns. We were right. Aside from the intentional humor of our visit, I did benefit from trying on a couple of different silhouettes. What I learned is that I have the shoulders and ribcage of a linebacker (hello, I'm Samoan) and I don't fit into dresses the way most girls do. My body below my ribs is a size 4, but the rest of me is a size 6 because I'm wide. So far I'm convinced that I will never look good in a poofy ball gown, but I'll reserve my judgment until I've visited an actual bridal gown boutique.

Cynthia tried on some of the funniest, ugliest bridesmaid gowns I've ever seen. We were completely oblivious to the signs above our heads declaring cameras prohibited, so we did have a brief encounter with one of the rude store clerks. Before that happened, I managed to catch a shot of Cindy in easily the prettiest gown in the store, a pink and ivory number with an adorable sash. Then again, Cynthia is a size 2 and it's hard for anything to look bad on her. :)

Cynthia headed home to San Diego last night and I already miss her bright, cheery personality around the house. The dogs absolutely adored her and Brian reminded me that she and I are like two peas in a pod. I can't wait to see her again soon and to celebrate my wedding with her by my side as a bridesmaid.

Wedding Season 2009

2009-07-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have attended intimate weddings, extravagant weddings, gay weddings and even a wedding in a barn since graduating from undergrad in 2006. Each year brings a fresh set of travel arrangements, registry browsing and joyous, unabashed happiness for my friends. July marked the end of the 2009 wedding season for Brian and I, and I have to say that this year held its own in terms of milestones and notable moments. Here is a look back at the shortest (and sweetest!) summer of weddings in recent memory.

Curtis and Kat - May 30, 2009 in Fairfield, CA

Curtis and Kat were married at the Delta Breeze Club on Travis Air Force Base. I have been one of Curtis' closest friends since high school, and this wedding brought together some of my favorite friends from our Fairfield High marching band days. Kat was a beautiful bride and I enjoyed helping with a few of her last small details before the wedding. I was excited to see all the plans come together for this event because it was so large (300 guests) and also so well budgeted. The reception was a hit and we all headed to our hometown bar afterward for some karaoke after the reception :)

Abi and Jason - June 6, 2009 in Costa Mesa, CA

[Photo Source: LOKITM Photography]

This wedding was all about grace and class. Jason is Brian's friend and mentor, and his bride Abi is one of the nicest girls I've met. Together they form a team with impeccable style and attention to detail, so it was no surprise that their wedding was as elegant as they are. Their first dance was to the song "City Love" by John Mayer, which was appropriate since they met in San Francisco four years ago. Their reception was simply drenched in orchids, and the night later devolved into shenanigans involving rowdy groomsmen and sneaking into hotel pools. What a weekend in SoCal!

EDIT: I had a total brain fart and forgot to post about my aunt's wedding! I was using Flickr to organize my thoughts, and I didn't have my camera for this wedding so I didn't have a set to remind me that I attended it. DOH!

Arlene and Tim - June 20, 2009 in Sausalito, CA

My aunt Arlene married her husband Tim at a beautiful waterfront tented venue in Sausalito. My niece Genevieve looked absolutely adorable in her flower girl outfit, and the reception tent was done tastefully with hanging crystals and white linen. Arlene was the only girl in a house full of boys growing up, so it made her marriage all the more special and important. I am really glad to see her so happy with her new husband.

Ashleigh and Billy - July 11, 2009 in Ogden, UT

[Photo Source: Julie Parker Photography]

It is hard to do this wedding justice without first describing Ashleigh and her wonderful family. I met Ash when we were juniors in high school, and she had just moved from England. She was one of the many military officers' brats in our town from an exotic locale, much like my now-fiance Brian who had just moved from Seoul, Korea. Ashleigh had a streak of blue in her wild hair, and she played soccer like I did. I was baffled when this mysterious creature chose me as a friend, and even more surprised when she turned out to be one of the most down-to-earth, modest people I'd ever met.

Ashleigh's wedding was a lot like her personality: stylish, friendly and worldly. The ceremony and reception took place in Utah on her father's sprawling four acre backyard, with the sunset in the background and sand at her feet. The evening was filled with too many memorable, personal, unique moments to mention, so I'll just end by saying that her wedding was the epitome of chic. Kudos to her family for planning such an incredible affair.

Friday fringe

2009-07-17T16:03:00.001-07:00

I bought these sandals ("Patty" by Mossimo) on sale at Target today for $15 and for some reason, that purchase totally made my day. I didn't think I would like them since fringe is one of this year's fashion trends and I'm not exactly a fashionista, but Mossimo did a pretty good job making them wearable. For those of you with almost a grand just chillin' in your bank account waiting to be spent, the Louboutin Fringe T-Strap Sandals are pretty darn hot too. Buy them at Saks for $895.

A sleep playlist and Bruno's howl

2009-07-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday everyone! Brian and I are off to Utah for the weekend for our friend Ashleigh's wedding, so I thought I'd post briefly before we leave. Here's a video of Bruno singing a sad song with his favorite dachshund youtube video. It's pretty funny the way that his ears fly back every time he howls. I would suggest lowering the volume on your speakers, although it's not terribly loud.

Also, I thought I'd share a little portion of my Sleep and Study playlist on iTunes. I don't work well with noise in the background, but I've found that I can concentrate when the music is peaceful and relaxing. Since that's the same kind of music I fall asleep to (hah) I thought it was an appropriate playlist name. Do you listen to any of these songs to de-stress?

Flo's Sleep and Study Playlist

Winter Song - Sara Bareilles And Ingrid Michaelson
Kissing You - Des'ree
Half Acre - Hem
Echo - Incubus
Good Man - India.Arie
Half Boyfriend - Jay Brannan
Headlock - Imogen Heap
Dreams Be Dreams - Jack Johnson
Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer
I'd Rather Be With You - Joshua Radin
Boy With a Coin - Iron & Wine
Lover Lay Down - Dave Matthews Band
You Belong to Me - Jason Wade
I Love N.Y.E. - Badly Drawn Boy
Over The Hills & Far Away - Led Zeppelin
I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie
First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes
Midnight Train to Georgia - Gladys Knight & The Pips

Our first amazing engagement card

2009-07-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Today I checked the mail and immediately felt a little thrill when I saw the familiar handwriting of my friend Bryn. She has a distinct, cheerful print that I could recognize anywhere, and she always gives the best cards. From her wedding invitations and Christmas cards to the announcement of the arrival of her darling daughter Elinor Isabel, Bryn always manages to convey style.

When I opened the card I literally gasped. It was like someone had drawn the way Brian and I would look in a dream. The groom is tall and dark haired, while the bride has my signature long hair. And that dress, oh my lord that dress:

More than anything, the card evokes the tone and feeling I hope my wedding will have. It is romantic and whimsical, earthy and glamorous at the same time. The flowers on the train of the dress are perfect for a couple like Brian and I, who love nature and the outdoors. The card also has a kind of Hawaiian feel, which is perfectly fitting since we have so many family ties to Hawai'i. Oh, and did I mention the sweet, sentimental message inside? This girl needs to stop making me cry. It's getting embarrassing ;)

Thank you again Bryn, Ryan and Ellie! To see more cards from this artist, click here.

We're engaged! The story of the best week of my life :)

2009-07-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

A little more than three years ago, I met the man that would become my fiancé on Geary Street in San Francisco. Two days ago and just a few miles away from where we met, that man asked me to be his bride and I promised that I would spend the rest of my life with him. Words cannot express how full my heart feels after all of the challenges we've faced and most importantly, overcome together. We are constantly growing and maturing, and I have never felt so fulfilled in my life. I am beyond blessed. Below is a recap of our week, and you are more than welcome to skip to the middle if you're just interested in the proposal story ;)

Wednesday

Brian and I started our week with a trip to Napa to pick up our wine shipments. We began at Flora Springs, where we made friends with visitors from Maryland who happened to be investors at Luna Vineyards. They gave us a free tasting card, and we invited them to "our" winery at Alpha Omega, where we were headed next. They came along, and we were greeted by our favorite sommelier Jackie. The new releases have hit the wineries, so we were tasting mostly 06's and 07's that were introduced just days before. Napa harvest is going to begin in a couple months, so it's nice to enjoy the winery in the summer before the crowds hit the vineyards. We finished the afternoon with dinner at Rutherford Grill, which was just incredible as usual.

Friday

My little sister drove up from San Diego for the weekend for her annual sabbatical home. We hit our hometown bar that evening for some pre-Independence Day shenanigans, and our newlywed friends Scott and Lucy had a chance to attend as well. Scott actually helped Brian hunt for the diamond that would eventually become part of my engagement ring, so it was very fitting that he and his bride were there to celebrate before we got engaged. My best friend of 15 years, Jessica, along with my high school buddies Randy and Jason, were also in attendance. At the time, it just seemed like another excellent Friday night.

The Big Day: Saturday July 4, 2009

My sister arrived at our house in Concord in the afternoon, and we lounged around watching Animal Planet until Brian told us that it was time to get ready for the "surprise." If you've kept up with my blog before, you'll know that Brian is notorious for planning really fun impromptu trips like our second anniversary, our third Valentine's Day together, and New Year's Eve 2009. This particular day did not strike me as suspicious, although I'll admit that I've always been outspoken about my love for the 4th of July. The best one I'd ever experienced prior to this was in Boston in 2003. It's really hard to top New England patriotism, but Brian certainly did just that.

Brian instructed us to wear closed-toed shoes because we'd be "hiking," and in the car he tried to throw us off by saying that we were going to Lake Tahoe. That drive is over three hours, so I knew he was kidding and I tried to dress somewhat festively. The car headed west toward San Francisco and I guessed that we would be spending the evening on the waterfront to take in the epic SF fireworks show. When we pulled onto Treasure Island, I got very confused. We sat down at the cafe there for a beer and some garlic fries, and Brian insisted that we were going hiking on base at Coast Guard Sector San Francisco on Yerba Buena Island. I was still puzzled, because I was definitely not wearing hiking shoes and he knew that. Still, I happily sipped my beer and waited.

We pulled onto base about an hour before sunset, and Brian finally explained that we were taking a ride on CGC Pike, an 87-foot patrol boat. I was really excited because I've never taken a ride on a CG boat, although Brian was stationed on a 378' ship for over two years. We hopped onboard with our lawn chairs and blankets, and Brian started bundling me up for the icy cold ride across the San Francisco Bay. It was really sweet and cute to see how much he dotes on me, and I thought about how great of a dad he would be one day.

The night settled in as we watched private yachts and sailboats glide by, and the crew of the Pike provided an excellent BBQ dinner for the guests on board. We moved to the front of the ship (Brian will kill me for not using the proper nautical terminology lol) and settled in for the best view on the bay. The Pike was responsible for enforcing the security zone around the barge shooting the fireworks off for the evening, so we were literally the closest boat to the barge. When the fireworks show began, it felt like each burst was happening right over our heads.

At some point in the show, Brian asked me to sit on his lap. I was wearing a huge padded "float coat" borrowed from one of the crew members, so I told him I wouldn't be comfortable on his lap because of how bulky and huge I was. He waited a few more minutes, then leaned over again to say something to me. When I turned to hear him, I realized that he was holding an open ring box and was on one knee. He asked, "Will you marry me?" and I got a little dizzy. It happened so fast that all I could squeak out was "YES! Of course, yes!!" This is the part where things got kind of silly. He closed the box, put it back in his sweater, and said, "I love you. Now enjoy the fireworks."

I just started cracking up. It was such an "us" proposal in every way, because he knew very well that I would have missed the entire last half of the fireworks from staring at my ring so much. I waited patiently through the fireworks, squirming, and my sister sat a mere foot away from me without a clue what was going on. It was just hilarious. Finally, the show finished and Brian put the ring on my finger. It was still too dark to see, but I turned to my sister, tapped her shoulder, and shoved my hand onto her lap. She screamed "EEEK!! OH MY GOD! Congratulations! How did I miss that?" haha It was such a fun, wonderful moment.

(See? That coat was flippin' huge!)

The boat pulled back into port around 11 p.m., and the crew of the ship gave their congratulations because they had apparently known all along :) Thank you so much to the crew of CGC Pike! When we got to the car I immediately began trying to text a photo to my friends. My Blackberry Storm completely let me down, because every time I tried to send it, the message would immediately error out. For those of you who might be upset that I didn't text or call, I apologize. We arrived home at midnight and I hesitated to call anyone that late at night. Instead, I hopped online and broadcast the news the fastest way I knew how: Facebook. We busted out the champagne, and I just couldn't stop grinning ear-to-ear. I am so in love with my fiancé.

The Ring:

The center stone is a GIA-certified 1 ct. G color VS1 round brilliant disco ball of perfection. It is ice white and meticulously cut, with not a single inclusion. He bought the diamond from USAA, and I'm really impressed by how much research he did. The setting is the ME29 from James Allen, and Brian said that they were incredibly accomodating and helpful. The setting features 55 diamonds in a full eternity band and halo, with each little stone being between F-G in color and VS1-VS2 in clarity.

My Kentucky sweetheart Shana did some covert ops for Brian to find out my ring size. She and I have always had a blast talking about weddings, so when she slipped in a quick question about my ring size, I replied that I'm a 5.5. She relayed that to Brian, and the ring fit perfectly the day he put it on my finger. Thank you again, sunshine!

The Response and Our Gratitude:

I have personally received 90 comments on Facebook wall posts, messages, status replies and photo comments, 129 comments on Coastie Chicks and countless calls and text messages, within only two days. From social networking with long-distance friends to the local friends we consider family, we have been overwhelmed by the love and happiness we've received. We are supported by so many people whom I respect and admire, and we are grateful beyond words. Our relationship is built on the love of friends like you, so thank you for your encouragement and support. We are so happy!!

Breaking the fast - April 22

2009-04-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

This entry is three weeks late, but it's worth trying to catch up to since I know people were curious about how my detox went. As you may remember, I began the Master Cleanse on April 12. For 10 days, I survived and eventually thrived on an all-organic meal plan of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, purified water and tea. Even now the idea seems foreign, since I returned to the world of the eating without so much as a headache. The body is a resilient thing.

The main question everyone asked was of course, "Did you lose any weight?" The amusing answer is no, and I'm willing to share the difference. I began the detox weighing in at 120 (I'm 5'5") and on the last day I weighed myself at 122. Two days after breaking the fast, I was down to 118 and I assume that's because I lost the water weight I'd been accumulating from doing the "salt water flush" each morning. I am now back to my normal 120, and am quite comfortable there.

I eased back into eating on April 22 with a breakfast of orange juice, a lunch of vegan split pea soup, and a dinner of vegetarian chili. I was determined to not slip into my old eating habits, but I made the mistake of thinking that I would "behave" myself on vacation. That of course, did not happen.

We flew out to Virginia on April 23 to attend Captain Trapp's change of command ceremony and visit Brian's family. I'll blog more on that after this post, but the important point is that we spent a week eating and drinking like we were on vacation - lots of excellent food, beer, grilling, eating out, etc. I should have made healthier decisions about what I ate, but I gave into the spirit of vacation and went right back to eating the way I did before the detox.

Now that we have been home for two weeks, I'm back to working on my eating habits. I still drink a ton of water (I dislike soda) and try to get fresh fruit and veggies into my diet, but I'm occasionally a sucker for a good burger. I've been taking vitamins recommended to me by Brian's mom and they give me a far better energy boost than any caffeine drink ever has. The treadmill is still not my friend, but I've been doing yoga every other day and I'd like to get my life back on a schedule even without the regularity of a work day.

Thank you to everyone who sent their support and encouragement my way throughout the detox. I'm not perfect and I certainly didn't come out of the detox as well as I could have, but I'm working on improving myself each day. Namaste :)

Personality tests galore

2009-04-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

One fun facet of my philosophy class last quarter was the use of personality tests. These tests can be important for conflict resolution in working environments where different fundamental personality types often clash. Here are a few fun ones I've done recently:

My Personality
[Take this personality test]


Neuroticism	54
Extraversion	97
Openness to Experience	77
Agreeableness	50
Conscientiousness	51

You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. You are usually the leader in group activites. Familiar routines are good, but sometimes you like to spice up your life with a bit of adventure or activity. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You have strong will-power and are able to overcome your reluctance to begin tasks. You are able to stay on track despite distractions.

[Take the MBTI test]

For those of you interested in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I am an ENFJ. Other famous ENFJ's include Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama, which I think is a pretty cool representation of the diversity within the personality type. I have tested as an ENTJ several times as well, but I think that my education has softened me up a little ;) ENFJ stands for "Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging," which is where the emphasis is placed in my behavior and thought/decision processes. I am empathetic, emotional, passionate, creative and hard-working, which apparently suits me ideally for a job as a teacher.

The Political Compass Test
Economic Left/Right: -3.50
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -1.33

The political compass above is a little more complex than the first two tests. It involves questions about economics, art, social responsibility and science. I skewed left of center (which is normal, since I'm a Dem) and a little to the libertarian side, which is cool since I do identify with some values from libertarian philosophy. I used to rate more on the authoritarian quadrant, so it's interesting to see the shift.

Feel free to take these tests and let me know how your results turn out :)

Diary of a detox

2009-04-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

I hesitated to come out with discussing this because I knew I'd be met with skepticism and negativity, but I'm comfortable enough now that I'm willing to share it.

I'm doing a detox, specifically the Master Cleanse.

Tomorrow marks my halfway point, meaning that I haven't eaten in five days. The first half of the program is admittedly the hardest, and I'm genuinely surprised that I made it this far. As you can see on my blog sidebar, my life revolves around eating and drinking in excess.

I am tired, physically and spiritually, of being a slave to impulse. I have spent the majority of my life eating and buying what I want when I want it, giving little thought to where my food came from, how it was produced or grown, or what it meant for me to put it in my body. I can't remember the last time I looked at a nutritional label or said "no" to an offer to eat out.

This detox is a covenant with myself to respect my body and the miracle that is my health. I am so lucky that I have no major illnesses or injuries, and that I am loved and taken care of. There are so many people in the world who can't say that right now, and I want to appreciate that fact by taking my first step toward a healthier life.

This column written today by my favorite columnist really helps explain why I chose to detox. It is not about weight loss and never should be - especially considering that I will gain the majority of any lost weight back as soon as I return to eating regular food. I plan to start cooking more often to incorporate fresh organic produce in our daily meals, and Brian is totally on board. I'm excited about creating bento boxes for our lunches as soon as we return from our Virginia trip, which will be the first week of May. For now, my schedule looks like this each day:

Morning:
32 oz. of water with 2 tsp. of salt

Throughout the day:
6-12 glasses of lemonade, which consists of:
purified water
fresh squeezed lemon juice
organic Grade B maple syrup
cayenne pepper

Evening:
Organic "Smooth Move" tea

And so it goes, over and over ad infinitum. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get bored of tasting the same thing all day everyday, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. My mental clarity, energy level, stamina and emotional balance have all centered and focused. I went through panic attacks in the first two days because I was so freaked out by doing this for ten days, but when I finally found my balance I realized I had never felt better. It is interesting to note that in the photo below, I have gone four days without eating and have not lost even a single pound. That's definitely okay with me.

As noted in the column, there is no official ruling from the medical community about whether detoxes are good or bad for your body - at worst, they do nothing. Either side of the argument can be argued with compelling research and case studies, so if you're planning to try to discourage me, I've probably already read the research :) Either way, empirical medical evidence cannot refute the prevalence of fasting in religious communities, which teach the virtues of patience, sacrifice and humility. I always admired my Muslim classmates who were able to fast during Ramadan with such tranquility, and I now understand where that sense of peace comes from.

I have a ton of other blog items that I need to catch up on, from my 25th birthday to my progress in school. For now, this is the most important item I want to update on so I will continue writing about it until April 22 when I complete the detox. The next day, I will step on a plane bound for Norfolk, VA :) Wish me luck!

A weekend in Napa and San Francisco

2009-03-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

My friend Liz came home to NorCal this weekend with her family, and we had a blast. She and her husband Kevin both serve in the Air Force and live in Georgia, so it was a treat to take them out for fresh air and good wine. Their one-year-old son Issac is absolutely handsome (and walking already!) so I was excited to meet him too. You can check out my photos from the weekend here.

We started the afternoon at Flora Springs winery, where we sampled their truly stellar single-vineyard cabernet sauvignons. My favorite is the Holy Smoke, and Brian loves the Poggio del Papa. Liz and Kevin took home a sauvignon blanc blend that I absolutely adore, called the Soliloquy.

Inside the disco/zebra theme tasting room at Flora Springs:

Next we headed over to Alpha Omega, home to the sweetest (and most expensive, ugh) dessert wine that I've ever tried - the Late Harvest 2007. We had a beautiful view sitting out on the patio by the fountain, with table service provided by our favorite tasting expert, Jackie.

We finished with dinner and more amazing wine at Rutherford Grill, where I had the lamb tenderloin in place of my usual ostrich tenderloin. I swear the waitress broke my heart when she said they were no longer serving that dish :P

It was an excellent night with one of the sweetest couples on the face of the earth. It's really easy to see why the two of them just "click," they are perfect together and I'm so glad to see Liz so happy.

On Sunday, we took my niece Genevieve to the Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. We had an absolutely wonderful time learning and playing with all the exhibits and creatures at the museum. Check out the video below, set to Genie's favorite song on our Zac Brown Band CD - "Sic 'Em On a Chicken." :)

It was a fun and busy weekend and I cannot wait for my birthday party this weekend!! Spring quarter starts today so I'm all ready with my ten(!!!) books in both Research Methods and Social Realities. It'll be an interesting quarter, no doubt.

My 25th birthday garden party!

2009-03-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm turning 25 next Sunday!! To celebrate, we're planning a Saturday afternoon garden party in my backyard. We've got a TON of yard work to do beforehand, so cross your fingers that we find the time and motivation to get it all done :) The weather is forecast as a SUNNY 70 degrees that day, so I'm really excited about enjoying the spring weather with my friends and family!

PHOTO CREDITS:

1. Silk tricotine Sophia short dress from J. Crew <--I'm wearing this for the party!
2. Girls Next Door at the Kentucky Derby
3. Brian and I at Sequoia Grove winery in Napa
4. Paper Lanterns
5. Mint Julep
6. Birthday Evite
7. Chandon champagne flute at Chandon Winery
8. Chickpea Radish Hors d'Oeuvres
9. My backyard, with Jubilee

Brian's dad's visit to California

2009-03-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

Brian and I had the honor of hosting his dad at our house this past weekend. He was a great guest and I was really glad to repay the favor of hosting since we're always the ones visiting HIS house in Virginia. We had a blast trying out different restaurants in the area, as well as doing a LOT of overdue yard work. Last night we had dinner with my parents, and it was definitely awesome for them to finally meet each other after our three years of dating :)

Parent night in the Brown-Trapp household

Lunch at an excellent Korean BBQ restaurant

Pat with his former coworkers Olga and Steve

Brian and I at Dempsey's in Petaluma for dinner.

Pat watching tv in our living room

My parents and I

One of the wines we served with dinner: Poggio del Papa from Flora Springs.

Homemade tarragon vinaigrette

A snail family I found while pulling up weeds

Brian and his dad

I'm officially a senile dog lady.

2009-03-04T11:36:00.001-08:00

Bruno is a vocal little friend. When he sees animals on TV, even if they're cartoons, he'll start barking to scare them away. My favorite trick to play on him is showing dachshund videos to make him think there's a dog in my screen. :) Here's his typical reaction:

Whiny, impatient, attention deficit jerks.

2009-02-25T16:54:00.001-08:00

A former colleague of mine (who now happens to have a TV series coming out inspired by her book!) posted this video on Facebook and it made me laugh with embarrassment for my generation.

Personally, I'm thrilled and impressed by pretty much everything. I like to say that I take nothing for granted, but sometimes I get impatient with the amount of time it takes my oven to preheat. ;) The sub-genre of Generation Y that I was born into was "Generation Look At Me," and I still find it hard to empathize with their gripes about life. I do feel wonder every time I chat with a friend across two times zones, and I still marvel at how simple it is to auto pay ALL of our utilities with the click of a button. Most of the government infrastructure I have to deal with regularly, from the DMV to garbage collection, allows me the opportunity to handle my affairs online.

Beyond my wonderment for technology, however, is my recognition of the simple, natural and mundane. My eyes widen when I see the magnolia tree in my yard bloom, and I still have tender maternal yearnings every time my dog's ears twitch while he's sleeping. My generation may be filled with whiny, impatient, attention deficit jerks, but I like to think I've kept my distance from them.

A break up anthem

2009-02-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

Being laid off feels a lot like getting dumped. There are the usual seven stages of grief, coupled with the indignant posturing of being "sooo much better than that anyway." I felt like a scorned lover who jumped from one boyfriend (work) to another (school) instantly. Call it my occupation rebound. While the timing of being "dumped" is never right, my newfound free time coincided perfectly with midterm week at school. I'm keeping busy and for me, that means I'm staying happy :)

I started by filing for unemployment. This process involved a deceivingly simple online form that hid many layers of drop-down boxes and took over an hour to complete. It was infuriating and confusing, but I was surprised to note that I didn't feel any shame for having to apply for the program. I'm a freakin' grad student without a job, I deserve to partake a little in the services I've provided by paying taxes for most of my adult life. Dammit.

My next step felt incredibly sophomoric and emo, but it had to be done for my sanity. I deleted all my old work emails from my personal Gmail account. I had a lot of passwords, guides, templates and huge chunks of code stored in hundreds of emails, and I couldn't bear to look at them as I went about my business. I purged them all, and it reminded me a LITTLE too much of the way I deleted all my ex-boyfriend's pictures from my MySpace profile. That's pathetic.

Next up was taking care of my role as a girlfriend. I drove down to Brian's office in Alameda this week to edit some video commercials he needs for the Coast Guard Ball next month. The process took two hours and we still didn't finish, because the videos were recorded on tape and had to be manually rewound and fast forwarded. I was invited to sit in on the ball committee meeting, then I came home to work on my philosophy homework.

For my Philosophy of Public Administration class, I have to conduct a three hour salon with my group mates. The discussion must center around the book "New Public Service" along with all of our totally abstract and wonky suggested reading books. We were told that we could involve singing, dancing, art, games, exercises, meditation, skits and food. Although we're trying to remain historically accurate, we cannot bring alcohol. Such heresy.

Overall, I'm just glad that I haven't had the chance to slow down. I haven't done any moping or self-pitying, but I do admit I've felt a small sense of panic. My health benefits (courtesy of my mom) expire when I turn 25 on April 5 this year. Money I can budget with, but health insurance I cannot. If you know of any good government service jobs in the area, please send them my way.

To end on a lighter note, thank you. With every phone call, Facebook comment and reassuring email, I've felt my confidence grow and my optimism improve. I am humbled, grateful and reassured by all of your positive energy, so keep it coming and I'll be sure to reciprocate if the need ever arises.

PS: This is my break up song of the week. I've been jogging to it :)

Lesley Roy - I'm Gone, I'm Going (Official Music Video) - Free videos are just a click away

Laid off

2009-02-17T11:48:00.001-08:00

I was laid off from my job this morning.

There were no warning signs, no rumblings of imminent layoffs in my department or concerns about my performance. I received a great performance review a few months ago, along with verbal notice that I was receiving a raise. I will never know why I was chosen, but I take solace in the fact that it was completely out of my control. I'm feeling okay.

It was fitting that the day this happened, one of the biggest storms I've ever seen swept through the East Bay. I arrived at work this morning, ran from the parking lot to the building in the rain, and beeped myself in with my security badge. I set up my work station, grabbed some breakfast, and started my day by pulling analytic reports on my Sports sections. I was in the midst of manually culling some data from a spreadsheet when my boss dropped by.

"Hey, I need to have a talk with you. Can we meet in the cafeteria?" he asked. I cheerfully agreed and grabbed a pen and paper to jot notes.

When we sat down, I knew something was wrong. He was holding a blank notepad (normally he has notes scribbled down to go over with me) and his hands were fidgeting nervously. I cocked my head curiously as he drew a deep breath and then spilled two sentences in rapid succession:

"There's no way to small talk around this, Flo. Your position has been eliminated."

The air rushed out of my lungs. He explained that there simply wasn't enough money left in the budget to operate with the amount of producers we currently have on staff. He reassured me that my quality of work had nothing to do with the decision, and then softly explained that he had to take me to the Human Resources department to go through my final paperwork.

We walked down the halls I'd "grown up" in on our way to the HR department. I realized with a sudden sense of panic that this was the last time I'd walk those halls as an employee, and I struggled to retain my composure as I remembered that this would always be my first and only job in journalism.

When we reached HR, I sat down with a specialist who went through my severance package and benefits. I was too hurt and confused to really listen or comprehend, but I appreciated her empathy as she carefully went through the process of claiming unemployment and figuring out my severance package. Overall, the process was done with all the dignity and respect I could have hoped for in a situation as difficult as this was.

My boss walked me out of the building after I packed up my work station. He offered to keep me appraised of the contracting jobs they'll have available in my absence, and I half-listened as I realized that I was not at all interested in working for the company any more. I thanked him one last time, then ran to my car in the pouring rain.

When I started working for the Contra Costa Times three years ago, I was a 21-year-old college senior at San Francisco State University. I was scared as hell, incredibly naive, and not at all prepared for what lay ahead. Three years later, I can honestly say I'm astounded by all the lessons I've learned in the newsrooms at the Times and the Oakland Tribune. I've met lifelong friends and inspiring mentors in all departments, and I've learned career skills that I couldn't have found anywhere else. I'm a programmer, a copy editor, a graphic designer and a multimedia producer. I owe all those skills to my time as a journalist.

I'm going to be okay. I'm earning my master's degree, I have plenty marketable skills and abilities, and I can find a job to get by until I graduate. This might just be a blessing in disguise, and I don't feel depressed or scared. I will be just fine :)

Thank you so much to those of you reading who played a role in my career as I grew up in the newsrooms. I may be moving on to a different career field, but my heart will always be with journalism.

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

Brian pulled off another sweet, thoughtful surprise for Valentine's Day this year. We go hiking on Mount Tamalpais a lot, and en route to the mountain we always pass by the Larkspur Melting Pot. Neither of us have been to a fondue restaurant before, so I've hinted at wanting to go before and Brian remembered. I love that he notices those little things.

I came home from my Saturday morning public policy class to a spotless house. Brian asked me to get dressed for "an afternoon out," then we hopped in the truck for a sunny, blustery drive around the bay. I knew we were headed west, but he split and headed north and I genuinely couldn't figure out where we were going. Just like our amazing two year anniversary trip, I let out a little squeal of delight when I recognized our destination.

Our afternoon started in the cave-like Melting Pot bar, where we pored over the huge wine list and made some great choices. I picked the Gundlach Bundschu wine flight, which consisted of the '05 Gewurstraminer, '06 Chardonnay, and '05 Moutain Cuvee. The chardonnay was soft, balanced and round. The tasting notes mentioned pineapple, white pear and lemon merengue. Brian's favorite was the cuvee, which was stiff and dry like a cabernet, blended with the signature sweetness of malbec and soft merlot.

Our first course was a spinach artichoke cheese fondue with crab meat. The dipping choices consisted of fresh veggies with herb and pumpernickel breads.

The following courses were as follows: caprese salad, lobster tail, filet mignon, basil white shrimp, garlic and herb chicken, citrus pork, spinach and gorgonzola ravioli, and ahi tuna.

The style of cooking we chose was called "Voodoo," which infused a subtle spiciness to the food. The raw meats were skewered then set inside the pot to boil for between two and four minutes.

Brian joked around about the fact that we were the only table with flowers, so I looked around and realized that he was right. Incredulous, I guessed that maybe they forgot to clear our table prior to our arrival. He made a sad face, then I realized that he had actually ordered the flowers from the restaurant. I half jumped over the table and grabbed him by the neck to plant a huge kiss on his face :)

I am so, so grateful for him. We finished up with an incredible white chocolate bananas foster dessert, then went home to recover from the BIGGEST food hangover we've ever experienced together. I was completely immobile for the evening, and woke up still full. In the morning, we woke up to watch the movie Bottle Shock and later, He's Just Not That Into You. Both movies were perfect ways to spend a rainy but cozy Sunday together.

My gift to Brian was two tickets to see Jimmy Buffet and the Coral Reefer Band in concert here in Concord at the Sleep Train Pavillion. It's going to be an amazing summer!

The weekend formerly known as "nonexistant."

2009-02-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

On Thursday I had a root canal. It was definitely not something I ever anticipated needing, but it served the indirect purpose of providing incentive to floss and brush religiously. Fanatically, maybe. The procedure alone cost $900, and I thank God that I have dental insurance or I wouldn't have been able to pay rent this month.

What I thought would be a debilitating and unspeakably painful procedure turned out to be a 60-minute minor discomfort. There were multiple X-rays and adjustments involved, and I'll admit my heart rate shot up as soon as I heard the drill, but it was not at all what I expected. I'd already requested the remainder of the work day off, and anticipated needing the weekend to recover. Instead, I was up and about as usual the next morning with no lingering pain to boot. Dr. Zarate, you are the MAN.

Since my schedule was clear for the weekend (and my fridge was stocked with yogurt and pudding), I decided to venture back out into the social world again. I've been quite the hermit lately between winter quarter and work, but my friend Randy was having a gathering at Conga Lounge in Oakland to benefit his AIDS/LifeCycle ride. Brian threw on his puka shells and aloha shirt (literally, his favorite outfit) and we headed out to Oakland.

Above are my fellow producers Brooke and Randy, two of the people who keep me sane and happy when all I want to do is pull my hair out :) I sipped on a blueberry lemon drop while Brian chatted with current and former reporters John Simerman and Dogen Hannah. As always, it is so nice to see my coworkers in a setting outside the newsroom. Journalists are fun people.

The next evening, we headed out with Brian's coworkers to Slim's in San Francisco. The cover band AC/DSHE was performing with such notable openers as "Thunderbleed" and "Total B.S." Seriously. It was an awesome night in the city because it reminded me a little of my college years in San Francisco. Minus about 20 pounds and a lot of angst ;)

Above are the ladies of the group that night, all of us Coastie girlfriends and Abby (far right) being the newly affianced of the crew. We left Slim's after a few songs to get food at the crazy paradox of a bar called Butter. Specializing in microwaved food, 40 oz. beers in brown paper bags, and jello shots, it was "white trash" kitsch to an extreme. We grabbed crepes at what I mistook as a taco truck, and it was literally one of the most delicious things I'd ever consumed. The beer in my tummy probaby emphasized its greatness, but I digress. The orange jello shot I consumed was pretty rockin' too.

We did get into Holy Cow (oh, college.) briefly, but due to the largely male demographic of our group, we girls had to attempt to sneak some of the guys in by exiting and re-entering a few times. By the time the last batch was about to enter, last call had been called and the doors were shutting for good. We yelled our farewells as we picked our way through the puke-stained sidewalks (hello, remember which neighborhood we were in) and climbed into our surprisingly untouched car. I'm so used to homeless people chillin' on the curb waiting for clubgoers to get back so they can ask for change from the bar, but that night was eerily quiet and empty. It was a great night to cap a great weekend :)

Lending one of the few talents I have ;)

2009-02-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

(U.S. Coast Guard photo by Petty Officer 3rd Class Melissa Hauck)

A few weeks ago, Brian came home looking a little frantic as he dragged a large camera bag into the house.

"I'm supposed to edit videos and design the poster for the Coast Guard Ball," he said. I just laughed and shook my head, feeling like my mom probably felt every time I procrastinated on a science fair project.

Instead of rushing off to a craft store to buy 12" diameter Styrofoam balls for a cell diagram, however, I simply opened up my Macbook Pro and got to work. Immediately I realized that the mic on his (rather lovely HD) camera had either not been installed properly or was off while Brian filmed. He cursed to himself quietly, but thanked me for figuring it out early on so he could re-record later.

Next, I popped open the photo he needed me to use for the poster. My eyeball twitched a little, because it was a beautiful photo but it lacked the "white" (design term for "empty") space that I thought I'd need for all the text Brian gave me. The photo follows the theme of the Coast Guard Ball, which is "the old and the new."

In the background is the USCGC Eagle, which was commissioned in 1936 and is used by the Coast Guard Academy for training cadets and officer trainees. In the foreground sits the mighty USCGC Bertholf, the new National Security Cutter. I worked my way around the photo, playing with alignment and typography until I struck as close to the "classic but modern" feel that I thought they wanted. I converted two clip art silhouettes into Photoshop brushes, placed them against the skyline, and went to sleep so I could approach the poster with fresh eyes the next day.

In the morning, I burned three formats of the file (PSD, JPG, PDF) at 300 DPI to a CD because the CG is crazy and doesn't allow jump drives anywhere near their computers ;) Brian called last week to inform me that the committee had accepted the design and thanked me for my help. I'm glad that one of my few talents was able to be of some service...to the service. lol

Other careers I've considered

2009-01-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

Being in an academic setting again has made me realize that I didn't particularly research my options before I dove headfirst into journalism. My classmates work in a broad spectrum of industries and earned degrees in a variety of disciplines, but I'm the only communications "authority" in the class. I don't regret any job choices I've made, but I do think I could have flourished in other career fields too.

1. Human Factors specialist - I hate Web sites sometimes, despite the fact that my job is grounded in programming and Web design. The reason I hate them is because my work content management system is stupidly difficult to use. Finding, selecting and editing a story, for example, should not take 10 clicks to accomplish. Since our CMS was built by engineers and not journalists, no one ever thought to ask, "Hey, can we make this easy, intuitive and simple?" The Human Factors certification I linked above is a job that does just that - it makes Web sites easy to use. Brian told me about that particular discipline of psychology yesterday during a conversation about his degree, and it made me laugh to think that people are making big bucks to use common sense. Genius!!

2. Graphic designer - I've never been an artist, but I've always been creative. I consistently skew high on the qualitative/empathetic/artistic scale for personality typologies, and that's funny since I was raised by a sharp, intellectual, math and science-loving mom. I love designing anything in Photoshop and Illustrator, from fliers for charity events to party invitations and holiday cards. The major problem, of course, is that I never make enough time to indulge that hobby. I was formally trained in a lot of artsy frou-frou multimedia editing programs, but simple little Photoshop has always been my favorite tool on my Macbook Pro.

3. Columnist/author - The original intent behind my journalism degree was to become a reporter. My plans changed when I met my mentor and professor Andrew DeVigal, who is now the multimedia editor at the New York Times. He taught me everything I know about Web 2.0, multimedia and online journalism, and guided me to the job I'm in today. If I hadn't met him I wouldn't be the well-rounded producer I've become, so for that I am thankful. On the other hand, I never got the chance to explore my writing in a professional sense. I still don't know if I would have done well as a writer, but that's why it's called "a dream deferred." The columnist I linked above, David Brooks, is the lone conservative columnist on staff at the NYT, and I love both his column and books. Two of my favorite female writers are Anna Quindlen and Judith Warner.

What career options did you consider in college? Have you ever made a big career change because you weren't happy? Share your thoughts :)

Summer in Napa

2009-01-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

I just found this video on my external hard drive and I apparently forgot to upload it. We took a trip to Chandon, Flora Springs and Alpha Omega to celebrate Brian's return from patrol and his 25th birthday in August.

December in review

2009-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

Since I've been bad about blogging regularly and that likely won't change soon with winter quarter starting this week, this is my lame attempt at catching up on the last several weeks of my life. The holidays certainly deserve more face time than this, but there's too much to write about and not enough patience left in this body of mine. Give me some time to fall back into my work/school routine and I promise my writing will come back around again.

Jubilee, our three-year-old Sheltie, had to wear a cone on her head for a week because she was chewing on her tail. We found out from the vet that she was chewing on her tail because of a gross but completely normal reason, which I will link to but not elaborate upon. :P

My friend Regina graduated from UC Davis on December 13, so we celebrated with a karaoke night in Fairfield. The crowd was so huge we took up several booths and tables, and I was pleasantly surprised to see friends I hadn't had a chance to see since the summer. Congratulations to Regina for earning her bachelor's degree in Geology!

We attended a Coast Guard District 11 holiday party at the Alameda Elks Lodge on Dec. 19. That day, I also met with a career transition specialist who helped me redevelop my resume to fit the demands of the federal job application process. Since I'll be working in some level of either local or federal government for the rest of my life, it makes sense to start preparing myself now, while I still work in the private sector.

On December 23 we met Coast Guard Cutter Sherman on the pier in Alameda to return our Beagle buddy Howie to his owner Ashlee. We'd been dogsitting him for three months while the ship was on patrol, and he was very happy to see his mom again. We were sad to see him go, but it's nice to have our home back to normal too.

On Christmas Eve we attended holiday service at the Admiral's quarters in Novato CG housing. It was a rainy day but we all huddled under the beautiful white tent in the Admiral's backyard, with heat lamps keeping us warm. A Navy chaplain led the service and did a great job capturing the tone and meaning of Christmas. I got a kick out of seeing that instead of candles, we were provided glow sticks to crack open for the Illumination Prayer.

That night we also had the pleasure of celebrating Christmas Eve with my family in Fairfield. We opened gifts at midnight and my sister Janina captured some beautiful photos of that night with her new Nikon D90. You can see the photos here.

Christmas Day was spent in Walnut Creek at my grandparent's house. We were all completely wiped out from staying up until 3 a.m. the night prior, so the night was short and sweet with lots of good Filipino food and present opening.

We took a beautiful hike on December 27 around Cataract Falls in Marin County. It was a fun and slippery hike, with the dogs running ahead so fast we could barely keep up. Bruno's short legs are surprisingly quite nimble, so he was jumping over logs and dodging trees throughout the whole trail. The four miles were a little grueling since I'm completely out of shape, but Brian bought me a great treadmill for Christmas and I've tried to start jogging regularly.

We rang in the New Year with a cruise aboard the San Francisco Belle. The view was stunning and Brian was an excellent date. It was our third New Year's Eve together and I couldn't be more grateful for his desire to make it special. The ship departed from the Embarcadero at 9 p.m. and passed beneath the Golden Gate Bridge before circling Alcatraz and stopping for a stunning view of the fireworks.

I also got a chance to meet an incredibly talented photjournalist named Jasmine Wang. She and her boyfriend Ron were seated across from us at dinner, and we hit it off so well that we exchanged business cards and phone numbers. Jasmine moved to San Francisco to start her wedding photography business, and she previously worked for the Wall Street Journal as well as Le Monde in France.

Yesterday, we spent the afternoon visiting two wineries in the Suisun Valley. The first was the Blue Victorian, where we sampled four varietals and bought two bottles of wine. The second was Wooden Valley winery, where we had an excellent experience discussing how degrees Brix affects the sweetness and alcohol content of wine. I brought home a wonderful late harvest Sauvignon Blanc that tasted more like a dessert wine than I expected. It was a very fun mini-trip.

And finally, last night we celebrated my friend Jerome's 28th birthday at Cloud 9. His wife Regina brought some delicious snacks, my parents made an appearance and danced for the very appreciative crowd while we sang "Lights" by Journey, and my best friend Jessica gave me my Christmas gift - a delicate chandelier for my bathroom. I had a blast and practically lost my voice :)

Here's to 2009 and all the hope, love and opportunity it will bring <3

Jam-packed holidays

2008-12-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit...bah humbug lately. I was so slammed with finals and work tasks that when it came time to put on the party clothes and start decorating the house, I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to even buy a tree. Counter that ennui with Brian's overwhelming enthusiasm for Christmas music and decorations, and what we had was a conflict of interest. I knew that I had so much to be grateful for with Brian home for the first Christmas in two years, but I couldn't get into the spirit. It just didn't feel right - until I went to my first holiday party on Friday.

My coworkers are incredible people, and the isolation of telecommuting these past few months caused me to forget just how much I enjoy their company. The party was formally hosted by Bay Area News Group - East Bay Features Editor Lisa Wrenn, but the attendees came from metro, online and even the sports department :) Here's Times Book Club diva Lynn Carey with sports columnist Gary Peterson:

Features writer extraordinaire Anne chatting with TV columnist Chuck:

Hostess Lisa, her daughter (also a journalist!) Steph, myself and Lynn:

Fellow Web Producer Randy Myers, you may remember his wedding :)

A fascinating part of the evening was when Brian asked Lisa if he could pull down her copy of the book Roots by Alex Haley. I had no idea why he was interested until he mentioned that Alex Haley retired from the Coast Guard. Brian opened the book, and in the cover was a personal message written by Alex Haley to Lisa's husband Peter, who once interviewed Mr. Haley as a journalist. I thought it was absolutely INCREDIBLE that such an amazing man could bring together such different worlds, journalism and the Coast Guard. Lisa's living room is lined with a bookshelf full of fascinating books, and Brian has always said he'd love to have a room like that in his home too.

We left that evening still feeling the glow that comes from good food, good wine and good people. If ever I needed a reminder that the holidays are a time for gratitude, it was then - and I found that reminder in the people I have the privilege to work with.

Next blog entry on its way: Regina's graduation party at Cloud 9 :)

Playing [photo] catch up

2008-12-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Now that finals are over and I have a brief break before my next quarter, I finally have time to share some photos from the past month.

Thanksgiving:
We spent Thanksgiving at my mom's house in Fairfield. My sister Janina invited her husband's squadron friends over and our family spent the whole day cooking, so the night was filled with lots of great food, drinks (too many for me) and laughter. Good times.

Manny Pacquiao vs. Oscar De La Hoya match:
Filipino boxing champ Manny Pacquiao battled boxing's Golden Boy Oscar De La Hoya, so my mom invited everyone over again to cheer their guys on. We had a fun betting system and my stepdad Jimmy managed to get his new son in law to try a Filipino delicacy:

Yes, that's balut and no, I'm not explaining what it is ;)

Brian and I dropped by Cloud 9 on our way home. Meet Bird Man.

If I were single, this picture would be my Christmas card :P

Lucy and Scott's wedding:
Scott is Brian's coworker on Coast Guard Island, and his beautiful bride Lucy is a nurse working on the Peninsula. They held their ceremony on the Presidio of San Francisco and hosted their reception at the Marine Memorial Club downtown. I had so much fun meeting new people, from a Silicon Valley tech guy to a whole table of nurses. The date of their wedding was especially important because it was Pearl Harbor Day and Scott is a retired Navy officer.

My personal tradition, fleeing from the bouquet.

Big Filipino family :)

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season!

Five Things I Wish I'd Learned Long Before 25

2008-12-04T17:17:00.000-08:00

1. It's okay to have a quarter-life crisis. We all manage stress differently, and we all respond to struggle in our own private or not so private way. For me, the process of fumbling through my first professional job pushed me to think long and hard about my future. I know I'm lucky to even have a career since so many of my classmates are still struggling to break the limbo that is the entry-level job world, but this is not enough for me. As I approach age 25, I still have no idea where my professional life is going and that scares me to death sometimes. I celebrated my first emotional breakdown on Thanksgiving this year and it undoubtedly won't be the last - but that's okay. I'm doing a million things at once and sometimes, it's okay to cave.

2. Your heart will mend. I know it sounds sophomoric but I have to "go there" because it's a point I want to pass to younger women. I arrived late to the dating scene, so I made up for lost time by stumbling through consecutive terrible relationships, all ending in obnoxious crying scenes. I swore I would never recover, and I always did - quickly. What I see in retrospect is that I fell into the trap of thinking that passion is the same thing as love. Passion has nothing to do with compatibility, compromise or respect - it is simply the expression of desire. The guys I thought I would love "for-eh-veeer" turned out to be men I simply desired. I can't claim to be in a position of authority when it comes to relationships, but I can say with certainty that if you think you'll never love again - chances are you will. And it'll be so, so much better.

3. Domestic goddess or career woman, you gotta have hobbies. I'm no housewife, and I never could be, but I give major props to the women who are. I keep a clean house and take care of my pets, but I've learned that my hobbies lie outside the home domain. I need to do things that maintain my physical and mental health because life does not provide those things naturally. While one could argue that traditional tasks like gardening and cooking are enough to establish that stability, I think each person finds their therapy differently. I don't know how to sew and I don't cook often, but I adore any type of movement (pilates, dance, hikes) and graphic design when I'm stressed out. I Photoshop little business cards and invitations for friends, and I blog about my daily life when I can. I realize now that hobbies aren't simply fun - they're necessary.

4. Look your age and enjoy it. Why is it that girls try to look older through their teen years and younger once they hit their mid-20's? It's as if our beauty ideal is stuck in some weird homeostasis at age 21. Personally, I get a kick out of the fact that I don't get carded any more but I also get mistaken for an intern at work. It's awesome to look like a young woman instead of a teenager, and I welcome that switch with open arms. I've decided to stop dying my hair and I don't wear make up, because it's so much easier, cheaper and more fulfilling to receive compliments knowing I've earned them naturally. On that note, women in their early 20's should also learn to appreciate their bodies with all their curves, or lack of them. I know this all sounds very Dove advertising campaign, but if you can't enjoy your body in its prime, when WILL you enjoy it?

5. Happiness is a lifestyle, not a temporary high. Much like the environment, a life must be maintained to ensure sustainability. Burning out at work, partying too hard outside of it, and treating relationships recklessly are all fast ways to a lonely life and an early grave. In my idiotic college years I spent my time chasing delusions of grandeur while blowing off every relationship I made. In my adulthood, I treasure every bond I forge and I live my life slowly - instead of hurtling toward some abstract lifetime goal. I want to live well into my old age, long enough to rock my grandchildren on my front porch while still typing away in my blog. I'm glad to say that I think I'll reach that happy senility someday.

A small, but significant milestone

2008-11-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

The only couch I've ever owned was an Ikea throwback from the early 2000's, courtesy of my mom. We bought the standard prototype with 30 different cover color choices, and I selected black. Since my roommates in college already had really nice couches, my little Ikea friend languished in the confines of my stepdad's master bedroom, subject to the occasional crayon mark or juice stain from my niece :) When Brian and I re-inherited the couch, we smiled at how "college" it truly looked and immediately started couch hunting.

Today, we finally received our real life "grown-up" couches.

We actually bought the couches, paid in full with cash, over one month ago. Ashley Furniture has had issues with its warehouse delivery program, so they were gracious enough to refund us the cost of shipping delivery, insurance and an extra $100 gift card. We received the furniture this afternoon while we played Mario Kart Wii :)

The set was actually 3 parts, but since we live in a tiny house there wasn't room for the extra dual recliner couch. The material is a stain resistant micro fiber, and we purposely selected the chaise lounge because it was THE most amazing part of the entire living room set. It measures at (almost) six feet long and four feet wide, more than big enough for two grown adults (us) to sit comfortably.

The receiving of these couches is a big deal for us because it finally marks the completion of our house. Every room is now filled with the proper furniture necessary, and it took three years for us to save up to this point. I'm so thankful and happy to have a complete home now!

The "Dannon" wedding!

2008-11-18T08:50:00.000-08:00

Brian and I met Shannon and Dan around the time they started dating in early 2007. We were seated together at the Coast Guard Ball and by some odd coincidence, Shannon and I happened to both graduate from San Francisco State University's journalism program. Her concentration was in Magazine writing and mine was in Online, but we knew the same friends and had the same professors. Brian and Dan both worked in Alameda, so we became instant friends.

Almost two years later, we were thrilled to attend their wedding and watch them tie the knot in Alameda. "Dannon" as I affectionately call them, had a wonderfully warm, personal ceremony with a reception at one of the coolest German restaurants I've ever visited. Here are some photos and details from their big day:

Shannon's dad walking her down the aisle.

Saying their vows at the alter with Pastor Clark.

Moose cookies at our table settings.

And an explanation of the moose cookies :)

The lovely cake table with photos of past generation weddings.

Our handsome Coasties

The beautiful bridesmaids with Shan and I

And me with a lemon drop, my drink for the evening.

Dan and Shannon headed off to their honeymoon in Hawaii this week, and they're staying at our favorite Waikiki hotel, the Hale Koa. I cannot wait to see their honeymoon photos since Shannon has never been to Hawaii! After the wedding, a few of us headed over to Forbidden Island tiki lounge in Alameda. While there we found out that Roxanne and our friend Sam had never been to Napa, so that's the plan for this weekend :) Oh, and I got to take home this GORGEOUS centerpiece from Shannon's wedding!

Congratulations again Dannon, we love you both!

Bruno is warm now.

2008-11-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

Bruno shivers a lot. I'd venture to guess that he shivers more than my mom's chihuahuas, who weigh about 3 pounds and don't have any body fat. We're not sure if he needs iron supplements or is just prone to being cold, but I felt terrible seeing him huddled all the time. Eventually, I started following him around the house with blankets and sweaters to bundle him up when he started shaking.

After shivering his way through his first autumn, we finally bought Bruno a sweater at Pet Food Express yesterday. It's fleece, and gender neutral enough that Brian doesn't cringe when he looks at him :)

Squirrel shock: I'm a murderer.

2008-11-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

Part I: Scene of the crime

I killed a squirrel on Saturday.

I was driving home from my morning class when I saw it approach the street from a line of trees. I braked to a stop because there was no one behind me, and the squirrel immediately turned and ran back to the tree line. After seeing it safely pass, I stepped back on the gas and proceeded down the road.

Thump.

I had driven about a car length when the squirrel ran back into the road and went under my back driver's side tire. I immediately gagged and felt myself begin to black out. Through my tunnel vision, I continued to coast down the street and glanced up at my rearview mirror.

The squirrel was thrashing.

I later found out that it was in its death throes, but that did nothing to quell the rising nausea I felt when I saw that horrifying, and traumatizing scene. I pulled over for a moment, tried to decide if I should turn around to try to help the squirrel, and immediately blacked out. It happened for a split second, but the moment I came to I called Brian choking on my own words.

"I killed a squirrel," I managed to hoarsely spit out.

"Oh sweetheart, are you sure?" he asked. When I didn't answer, he continued. "Do you want me to come get you? Just pull over and I'll be there in a second."

"No. Let me get home first," I said through tears.

When I pulled up to the driveway Brian was standing in the garage with Jubilee wagging happily at his side. I scooped her up and put her in the backseat of my car, then changed my mind and held her tightly to my chest as I sat down and buckled my seat belt. Brian took the driver's seat and proceeded down Farm Bureau Road.

I felt myself faint as we neared the scene, and Brian kept repeating don't look, don't look as if it were an incantation or a spell. I hugged Jubilee tighter until I heard Brian's confirmation that the squirrel was indeed very dead and that I had not left it suffering.

Part II: The Haunting

An email exchange between Brian and I today:

Florence to Brian:
There are two squirrels in our backyard today and another one running across the lawn in Coast Guard housing. I want to die.

Brian to Florence:
Remember in Ice Age, when Scrat went to squirrel heaven? I'm sure he's very happy now with lots of acorns.

Florence to Brian:
Thank you for that nice thought. I love you very much.

Ship to shore stories

2008-11-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

[Editor's Note: This is my reposted contribution to Waiting For Ships...]

Brian finished his tour aboard USCGC Sherman on 08/08/08. He'd been stationed on the Sherman for over two years and the only relationship I'd ever known with him was tied implicitly to the schedule of the ship. I had grown used to the phases of farewells and homecomings, and patrols didn't seem too bad after all. Brian reported to his new unit in District 11 shortly after his return, and we settled into what I thought would be a blissful period of reacquaintance.

[Before my eyes took on that maniacal, crazed quality...]

I don't necessarily think that not being married disqualifies us from feeling the same growing pains and minor disagreements that plague most newlywed couples. We moved into a newly renovated home, began buying new furniture after two years of damaged college hand-me-downs, and began the "nesting" period that happens for most civilian couples, aside from the fact that he goes to work in a uniform every day. That's kind of how it all started...

The Honeymoon

With new "stuff" and a new work schedule, we welcomed the sense of refreshed enthusiasm that came with putting a house together. I felt inclined to leap into his arms every day when he came home from work, and he did romantic little things that I won't mention here for the sake of his reputation at work ;) Suffice it to say, we were corn syrupy-sweet. But the growing sense that we were spending a LOT of time together began to creep into my consciousness when I found myself saying out loud, "Man I can't wait until we have a housewarming party." At that point I hadn't had human contact outside of Brian or coworkers in months and had taken up the unusual habit of talking to our dogs while I telecommuted from my home office.

Speaking of Dogs...

Brian came home one day and gave me a look that made me instantly suspicious. I scowled like Ebenezer Scrooge when his said, "Sherman is going on patrol again and Ashlee was hoping we'd watch Howie..." Howie is a Beagle puppy with very little sense of self-control and a whole boatload of enthusiasm. While I welcomed the idea of helping a shipmate in need, the thought of 3 dogs in our small house made me cringe. Despite my reservations, I agreed.

Today I noticed Howie perched in the backyard, nose pressed to the sliding glass door, with his paws held in a prayer pose that he normally does when he's begging for treats. Realizing that a dog sitting on his hind legs for no reason is not right, I opened the door and let his wet, wiggly, muddy body inside. He immediately opened his mouth and let out the saddest howling whine I'd ever heard, leaving his mouth open after he was done. I peered in, gasped, and stuck my hand in his mouth.

You know it's love when you're willing to stick your hands in a strange dog's mouth to dislodge a twig wedged firmly between his back molars. After my impromptu lesson in dog dental surgery, I was thanked with noisy wet kisses and a friendly wagging tail. Along with the knowledge that I could pretty much guilt trip Brian into doing anything as repayment ;)

Kitchen Chaos

Brian loves to cook. He bounces through the front door when he comes home from work, kisses me and pats the dogs, then immediately declares that he will be preparing dinner for the evening. Since I'm inevitably tied up in homework or one of the many social networking sites I'm addicted to, I usually grunt a sound of approval and drift into the kitchen around the time the smell floats into my office. I momentarily wince at the sight of two sinkloads of dishes (did I mention Brian uses every pot and pan in the house for one meal?) but that thought is immediately put on hold by the sight of a handsome man with a plate of food and a bottle of wine waiting for me.

Big toys, big noise

I telecommute from home on weekends, and have a full course load of grad school homework throughout the work week. Suffice it to say, my eyes are always glued to a computer screen or a convoluted textbook extolling the virtues of such philosophical thoughts as "planning for planning" and "meetings for meetings." In case you couldn't guess, I'm earning my Master of Public Administration. I'll be part of the next wave of underpaid, overeducated government service employees.

Brian is a typical American guy in all his oversized flat screen, big pickup truck, country music loving glory. He also happens to be a kid at heart, so we own Rock Band, Guitar Hero, Wii, PS3, and a multitude of games, attachments and doodads. If Brian were a kid I might seriously consider having him tested for ADD, and I mean that in the most loving way possible. The guy loves his toys.

The problem with his newfound land job schedule is that we don't work on the same schedule. I often find myself fending him off or locking him out of my home office because he likes to wander in good-naturedly with an offer to come play a quick game or watch an episode of one of our hundreds of DVD collections. Occasionally he'll busy himself playing Wii in the living room, but that brand spankin' new TV has speakers capable of blowing a small aircraft out of the sky from the sheer strength of its sound waves. Working on the weekends is a lesson in patience and self-restraint: both from taking up his offer to leave work and go play for a few minutes, or to literally kick Brian's butt out of my personal space.

Despite my tongue-in-cheek observations about the adjustments and compromise that go into learning how to live with each other full time, I have to point out that I've never been happier or more content with my life. I've got an incredibly supportive boyfriend who cheers me on as I navigate the rough waters of grad school, and a warm home to lay my head in. I've never been more thankful or more happy with the life the Coast Guard has given Brian, and in turn, me.

Halloween

2008-11-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

Brian and I spent Halloween in our hometown. Our first stop was my mom's house, where we got to hang out with family and see my adorable niece in her Ariel costume.

We spent most of the evening at a house party hosted by our friend Randy. On the way home, we stopped by Cloud 9 for a quick song, which ended up turning into 3 since DJ Jack was low on singers. It was a great night with some fun photos and friends.

Brian and Bruno.

Everyone thought he was Dick Tracy. He was supposed to be a journalist.

Randy played host for the evening, teaching us how to double drink beer.

Brian and a very nice guy dressed as Saddam Hussein (right side) played pong.

We ran into old high school friends dressed as Clue characters.

And we finished the night by taking off-center photos :)

Happy November everyone!

Vignettes from Vegas

2008-10-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Vegas via Virgin
Stepping off of the nightclub with wings that Virgin America calls an airplane, I was greeted by a 12-foot tall airport sign that read, "Just to get our stories straight...we're in St. Louis on a business trip." Virgin Air is quirky to an extreme, and I've got nothing but rave reviews for their service from check in (sleek white Mac-like kiosks with touch screens) to flight service. It's cheaper, it's more fun, and the music is great.

[Credit]

Casa de Chip
Always one of the most generous, kind people I know, Chip took us in for the weekend at his new bachelor pad 5 minutes from the Vegas strip. We got the star treatment with fresh baked muffins in the morning and home cooked meals at night. He advised us on the places to see, drove our grateful butts all over town, and offered sage advice while we sprawled out in his living room recovering from our nights on the town.

Through the lens of a Vegas virgin
Steph has lived in Oklahoma for two years now with her husband Patrick, so seeing her is an annual event rather than a daily one as it was when we attended SFSU. The added bonus for this trip was that it was her FIRST visit to Sin City. From 7th grade marching band to grad school, we've stayed in touch and laughed through life's crazy adventures.

PURE: For people who like pretension
Waiting in line for this damn club, I watched a group of 8 girls take well over TWO HUNDRED photos of themselves. We got in first, scored our free drinks, and stared blankly for the next 20 minutes at what can only be described as a bad music-tight-clothes-bad-stereotype clusterf*ck. Anyone who genuinely enjoys that club can go shove their $500 VIP bottle service where the sun don't shine. At the very least, we got into the Pussy Cat Dolls Lounge on our way out and saw an amazing burlesque show.

Talkin' bout a Revolution
Slightly tipsy from the Hawaiian yard drink I consumed while walking the strip, I encountered a man handing out VIP passes for Revolution. "Umm, that's a corner bar in the casino isn't it?" I asked Steph. Out of nowhere, a pair of double doors swung open to reveal a massive, hidden club behind the bar. All I remember is scoring us free champagne from the cute bartender and rockin' my ass off to "So What" by Pink while a group of guys stared in disbelief. When the song was over, one of them yelled into my ear "God I was tired just watching you!"

Caviar on smoked salmon
We ate like rock stars. Seared ahi, BBQ, lumpia, sushi, lobster bisque, eggs benedict, THE salmon pizza from Spago, white chocolate macadamia creme brulee, and every possible combination of girlie fruit mixed drink possible between Margaritaville and Kahunaville. Chip wasn't kidding when he said vacations should be planned around food - I couldn't agree more.

ROKin' in the free world
Rok Vegas in New York New York was by far my favorite experience of the weekend. Between running into a guy from our hometown (who we both worked with at the movie theater!) to being semi-stalked by one of the funniest club characters I've ever met, the entire night was hilarious and fun. Most of their music was pop and rock mixed with music from past decades. I was absolutely giddy when they played "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five, mixed with some kind of amazing club beat. We NEED clubs like that in the Bay Area.

Top of the World
I'm absolutely terrified of heights but I couldn't pass up the chance to dine at the incredible Top of the World restaurant in the Stratosphere. I may have lost the feeling in my legs (from fear) when we went up to the observation deck, but the views were so worth the vertigo. The food and friendship were the perfect way to end my weekend before I boarded the plane.

PS: A million thanks to Chip for being such a gracious host.
PPS: To the exboyfriend I drunk dialed on Saturday...my bad! haha

Fun photos o' the day.

2008-10-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to find my DSLR since we moved, so I've been toting my little pink Canon around with me. These are a few photos I took yesterday.

Standing in the guest room before heading in to the newsroom.

Brian showing off our joint effort dinner, steak with arugula and balsamic mushrooms.

My beloved Rombauer glass.

New carry on suitcase from Ross.

Packing for Las Vegas tomorrow. Can you find Bruno?

Resting their chins while I try to pack around them.

Jubi looking like a crazy dog with all that unbrushed fur. She's getting a bath today :)

Four weeks into grad school..

2008-10-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

In case I haven't mentioned it, the reason my blogging has become so sporadic is because I've started my MPA program at the CSUEB Concord campus.

I'm digging the quarter system after an academic lifetime of semesters. Deadlines are sooner, reading material is easier to keep up with, and all of my classmates work full time, most of them in city government. They are whip smart and open-minded, moderate and refreshingly pragmatic. We speak in theory but learn in practice, and many of my classmates have actually experienced some of the scenarios outlined in our case studies. We're the next generation of overeducated, underpaid government service employees :P

Revelry and love.

2008-10-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

[Bay Area News Group producers: Brooke, Randy and I]

Last Friday, my coworker and amazing friend Randy married Mike, the man he has loved for over 8 years. I was honored and thrilled to be invited to their celebration, and especially happy because it was the first wedding Brian could accompany me to in over a year. Randy, Mike, Brian and I had all previously gone out for dinner, so it was great for Brian to go into the event knowing he knew the most important people at the party :)

[Photo courtesy of Yelp]

The reception took place at what is now one of my favorite bars in the city - Olive. Over the course of their 3+ hour (open bar...oh man) celebration, I managed to try the lychee, raspberry and watermelon martinis, all made from fresh fruit. I cannot stress how important this is - fresh squeezed juice makes an ordinary cocktail into an out-of-this-world sensory overloard. If I had any idea how to mix a fresh fruit martini, I'd host a party this weekend and invite everyone over. Alas, I am a poor student with no free time.

That brings me to my next observation - as I chatted with editors and reporters, we asked the usual How's the family? What are you up to? questions. When I mentioned that I'd started my MPA program, the same reaction appeared each time - astonishment that I'm still working full time, and the slow recognition that I am leaving the industry. For some, this revelation was met with a congratulatory pat on the back and a hug. From others, I received a disappointed look and a half-hearted assurance that it was the best thing to do for my future. Only time will tell which reaction among those two extremes was most accurate.

[Credit]

The most beautiful part of the night was listening to toasts from all the people who supported and loved Randy and Mike, regardless of their personal reservations. Randy's family is from Minnesota and his parents are conservative, but they were at their city council meeting in Ukiah nonetheless to urge voters to vote no on Proposition 8. I'll refrain discussing that further, but suffice it to say that I am a strong advocate of gay marriage and rights.

[Randy's ADORABLE mom taking a picture of me]

One really neat moment of the night was when I ran into Mary Pols, the author of Accidentally on Purpose. I had always enjoyed reading Mary's work when she was the film critic at my newspaper, but I'd never had the chance to meet her in person. We chatted about her new work at Diablo Magazine and I undoubtedly rambled longer than I should have after consuming 3 martinis :)

[Credit]

The night ended at Edinburgh Castle Pub, where we ate fried fish and chips with malt vinegar, played pool, and lamented the sad state of the real estate market. How we got to that subject I will never know, but that's the beauty of a night in the city - the conversation is not quite so important as the company. <3

November 4.

2008-09-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have asked my opinion about Sarah Palin, which puzzles me because A) No one asked what I thought of Hillary Clinton B) I'm not a Republican. I've kept intentionally quiet, because to acknowledge her presence is to add one more Google link to her massive buzz, and I'm frankly petty enough to believe that ignoring an annoyance will make it go away. Not so in this case.

To be clear, it's not the trivial personal details that bother me. I could bitch about the fact that McCain calls Obama an elitist despite being a third-generation Naval Academy grad who owns 8 houses while Obama grew up in a struggling single-parent household. I could bring up the hypocrisy that Sarah Palin demands to be treated as a gender equal while asking the world to go easy on her in the presidential debates. Those headaches are minor compared to the immense fear I have regarding the prospect of Palin being president should McCain croak during his elected term.

Still, it is impossible to ignore the emotional connection voters feel toward Palin, as if she is their mother or wife or friend. She has single-handedly reignited the Mommy Wars debate over whether women should stay at home or work while they raise their children. I've heard friends say that her Christian values and down home personality make her "just like one of us." She is small town, red state, mom-next-door to a T, with a side of Frontier Woman to add to the glamor of her Cinderella rise to fame story.

The problem and the point is that the elected leader of our country should not be chosen based on warm fuzzy feelings of familiarity and friendship. In 2004, a Zogby/Williams Identity Poll predicted that Bush would win based on his "likability," because he was the candidate more voters would like to kick back and share a beer with. This inane poll speaks volumes about the idiocy of public opinion - that above experience, instinct, knowledge and character, we Americans are more interested in who would be a better drinking buddy.

I implore those of you who read this blog to vote with common sense. If you've researched the issues and you follow politics regularly, then I applaud your decision regardless of whom you choose. If I ask who you're voting for and why, and the only answer you can give me is because "Palin is a Christian" or that "McCain is a veteran," then those answers simply are not good enough. Be informed, be prepared, and don't idly sit by as the country enters one of the most pivotal presidential campaigns in our nation's history.

To discuss the two minor points above, which I've actually heard often:

A) Palin's Christianity is a fine thing - in fact, all four candidates right now are Christian. Mixing religion with political behavior, however, is both unethical and unconstitutional. Pushing to reverse Roe v. Wade, trying to ban library books, pushing for abstinence-only sex ed, refusing to acknowledge global warming, and proposing creationism in public schools are all red flags that she has and will continue to confuse her personal religious beliefs with her role as VP.

B) McCain definitely deserves respect for his military service and time spent as a POW, but his service is symbolic more than literal in direct relation to his potential role as Commander in Chief. Past presidents have rarely reached the rank needed to earn tactical knowledge to command troop movements and dictate military strategy, with the exception of Dwight D. Eisenhower, who served as General of the Army. What concerns me, however, is McCain's attitude regarding boots on the ground troops and the benefits allowed to them during their military careers. He opposed the revised GI Bill proposing additional benefits for troops to attend college, because he worried that the military would not be able to retain soldiers to continue the war.

McCain said Webb's bill would be a disincentive for service members to become noncommissioned officers, which he called "the backbone of all the services." ... "They are very hard to replace. Encouraging people to choose to not become noncommissioned officers would hurt the military and our country very badly." - CNN

By saying, "choose to not become NCOs," McCain meant that troops would likely choose to attend college and pursue civilian life. This logic seriously confuses me, as if to say that restricting troops' access to continued education will somehow prevent them from choosing to leave the military. What I wish he realized is that when good people, people like my father who served 20+ years in the Army, want to serve their country, they will do so WITHOUT worrying about how much money has been offered to them by their grateful country.

"Make it home."

2008-09-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Our new landlord Lana said those words to Brian when he asked about hanging art and painting the walls in our new home. I was already impressed by her professionalism and efficiency, so hearing her wistful and warm encouragement made me feel even more confident that we'd made the right decision.

When I was little, I always thought that by age 25 I'd be established and comfortable, living in a nice suburban home with clean new furniture and a manicured lawn. I also thought I'd be married with kids, just to give you an idea of how wholly "off" my perception was.

Instead, I have been living in teeny-tiny apartments since receiving my bachelor's degree in 2006. This is by no fault of mine; I maintain a very stable and average income and am fortunate to live with an active duty military member who receives a housing allowance. Together, we easily make enough to afford a house mortgage.

But that's before you add the Bay Area Factor.

The San Francisco Bay Area has one of the sketchiest real estate markets in the country. Depending on the city, $2000/month can either earn you a 2,000 square foot house in the exurbs (Tracy, Brentwood, Campbell, and my hometown Fairfield) or a 900 square foot condo in the urban centers of San Francisco, San Jose, Oakland, and Napa. All of these cities are within only a 60 mile radius.

So we rent. And rent and rent. We are not in the Bay Area by choice, so we decided it wasn't in our best interest to spend the effort, money and time it takes to first purchase and then rent out a home in the area. My mom made a generous offer to buy a home for us to rent in our current city, Concord, but we couldn't imagine her spending the amount she was offering for a house we'd never live in again.

I researched and waited for four months. Initially we hoped to move before Brian's patrol, but it was best that we waited while home prices fell due to the slumping economy. I began looking at homes for sale after my mom's offer, but most that we could afford were in need of lots of repair. Going to grad school while working 40+ hours a week was not going to fly with the additional stress of tending to a house. My mom found a gorgeous 1,400 sq. foot new home in Concord within her budget, but it had no yard - at all. In my mind, having to use a communal lawn defeated the purpose of moving into a single family home altogether. So we waited and researched further, until we found our future house - right down the road.

It's tiny. There is no way of mincing words - the house is only 1200 square feet total. Since I'm a fan of full disclosure, I will also note that we are spending $1850 a month to rent it for the next year. I'm not going to pretend that that's not ridiculous, because it is. Most people around the country are spending that amount on their suburban mini-McMansion and we're using it to rent someone elses' small house.

But it's perfect for us. With only two adults in our household, three bedrooms and two bathrooms suits us well. The backyard is huge and overgrown, full of weird trees and small growths of indistinguishable plants that seemed to be intentionally planted. When I first saw it, I called it "The Secret Garden" because it looks like someone once cared for it but allowed it to overgrow for several decades.

So we're proud. We may live 30 miles away from the "big city," but we have been Concord residents for over a year and we're comfortable here. We have friends at church, at the dog park, from our jobs, and even a handful of high school friends who are close enough to visit often. We're both grad students, we're working hard at full-time jobs, and most importantly, we're both healthy and happy.

I'm looking forward to decorating. The hardwood floors, windows, and all appliances are new, and the house is spotless. Our landlords are realtors so they're meticulous about maintenance and reasonable about expectations. They like dogs and they're nice, honest people. We finally have a yard for our pups to romp around in, and a garage for our cars and motorcycle. Brian's new 52" flat screen can finally come out of its box, and we'll get to open up things we placed in storage a year ago. It isn't large or glamorous, but it's bright and open and clean. I'm very grateful.

And we're off!

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[Photo credit]

Friday Itinerary:
4:45 a.m.: Yellow Cab picks us up at home.
5:08 a.m.: BART train departs for San Francisco airport.
6:29 a.m.: Arrive, brave the TSA. I'm notorious for being "randomly" selected.
8:50 a.m.: Depart SFO. Commence watching Stargate Atlantis Season 2.
10:55 a.m.: Touch down in Honolulu. Find rental convertible. Rejoice.

Remainder of the day, loose schedule:
Noonish: Check into Bellows. Unpack, lunch, call family.
Afternoonish: Have my first mai tai in Hawai'i.
Eveningish: Sit on the beach in a sun dress. Stare at the moon. Thank God.

Some sweet pictures from Saturday

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B-Trapp and I singing "Deeper Than The Holler" by Randy Travis :)

James keeping little Manda on her toes <3

Doug the showboat cowboy getting emotional during "Whiskey Lullaby"

My best friend for 14 years and counting!

High school sweethearts Jerome and Regina, now married with a Chloe <3

And the best performance of the night, "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang. haha